A silent, still night. The ache remains. Even after 17 months. 2 birthday's. 2 Christmases. And much in between. A loneliness along with the ache. I have lost my child. Our family so changed. And sometimes I feel lonely. I feel like I was part way through a really great book, one I have loved to read. And now the rest of the book is gone. Never to be finished. Year One, you are numb when you decorate the Christmas Tree. The Ornaments, they leave you gasping ... View Post
A Letter To God
So much of my daily journey takes me back to last year. How I felt. So much I do not remember. So much is still stuck vividly in my mind. This post echoes the cry of my heart. This week I have felt weary and worn. But we are holding on. Clinging to the rock that is higher than I. Dear God, I find myself in a deep place today. My first thoughts are usually to bring praise and Glory to your name. It is the habit established for more than 20 years now. My first thoughts when my eyes flutter open are to praise you. . .no matter how I feel. Today. . .I opened my eyes and ... View Post
Live In The Fullness
I fight through these days. The last he had here on this earth. I long for things to be different. Yet trying to step forward each day. Agony. The need to do what you do not want to do. Press on. Remember. Seek joy. Let go. Digging for the strength needed. Only the grace for the day. I settle into all that will never be. He will never be a United States Marine. He will never marry. Our family portraits will never be the same. I don't want to hear the words, "You're healing." Like I'm going to be new again? My son has been torn from me. I will NEVER be the ... View Post
I Snapped The Memory
I wake and I can feel the oppression. It is heavy. The weight of loss; the ache. Sometimes it's so hard to pray. I don't know what to say. It feels trivial. I've said it a hundred times already. God please be with me. Please, do not leave me. I pray Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. I say the verse over and over. I long for Him to strengthen me. To hold ... View Post
Fill My Cup
She stands at my door. She who has lost much. My mind flashes to the first time I saw her at my door. She and her beloved husband. Standing there. He, with his mug ready for filling. Hot coffee was needed. A twinkle in his eye. A kindred spirit. She stood there quiet while I filled his cup. She now stands in the same space. But the life long partner has been called home. She stands taller. More sure of herself. She gives me encouragement. She fills my cup. Isn't that what we need to do? Aren't ... View Post
When The Missing Rises Up To Meet Me
The missing rises up to meet me. I drive past the site. The forever slams my soul hard. I try to work through the pain. Shaking my head, I continue to drive. My heart cries out to God. I beg for him to lift the hurt. I want to hear Elijah's voice and cook him a meal. I am tired of his bed being empty. Never to return. I'm tired of hurting and aching; of longing. I say his name over and over. Elijah, Elijah, Elijah. There is something soothing about saying his name. We chose his name. A prayer. A nudging from ... View Post
