I finger the pages. The pages of the yearbook he'll never see. The 2013 yearbook that holds the memory of the last of his walk on this earth. Graduation and the hope of a future. I waited to look at it. I couldn't bring myself to walk into the pain; the endless sea of grief. But I look and I laugh and I remember. He was so loved. Such a humble young man; so missed. I hear stories from those around us of interactions with Elijah and my heart soars. Isn't that what every mama wants to hear? Stories of your boy and the beauty he left behind. He wasn't perfect. ... View Post
This Is War
They know I am on to them. As bold as brass they run across the floor. With no care that I am there. Now, with traps set in strategic places they refuse to venture forth. We can not co exist. I draw the line. They are small and furry. They leave messes everywhere. They are almost like my children in some ways. But my children are allowed to stay. They are not. I am sure they would argue they have been here longer. It bears no weight. Even if some think they are cute and Walt has personified the image. I wait to hear a snap. I check to see if there ... View Post
I Long For The Days Before The Accident, Before Cancer
Sometimes I want to be anywhere, but here. I long for the days. . .before the accident. . . Times before death and cancer became constant companions. When life, though difficult at times, was full. The journey deep with joy and gratitude for these children and the journey we were on. That life gone now. Because we will never be the same. Ever. I can never wake up again without feeling that something is missing. Some days the missing is so hard. It threatens to overwhelm. I close my eyes. I picture Elijah, I long to see him and ... View Post
What Seemed So Insignificant
I finger the berries. Frozen berries with the words, picked July 30, written on the bag. The day of Elijah's wake. I remember the man walking in and bringing them. A stranger. Drawn in. Knowing the tragedy. Wanting to help. He looked around. He saw what was left of a red headed, well loved boy; his life laid out in piles in the parlor of those who have gone before him. Memories, pictures, graduation hat and gown. A life interrupted suddenly He handed me the berries. He left. I finger those berries and I make a smoothie ... View Post
We Press On, In Jesus Name
It's the moment just before I wake. Just before my eyes open that it all weighs down. The magnitude of loss, the reality of cancer, finances hanging in the balance. It is in those same moments that the battle for the day wages. My whole being wants to burrow down in; refuse to go on. How can I? When all I have known is changed. All that I was created to be has been ripped from me. The day to day has changed for ever and the future for one, decided. A mommy shouldn't have to bury their child. It is ... View Post
What Really Matters Anyway?
January 11, 2021 I wrote this 7 years ago. I have reposted this today. The grief still stays. It changes. The longing to see my son is still so raw. Yet, my treasure still rests in heaven. I hope you're encouraged by these words. I pray that no matter what your days holds, that you know, "What Really Matters, Anyway?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- January 11, 2014 You didn't' store up treasure here on this earth. You weren't here long enough. The things of this ... View Post
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