What To Do With Another Birthday

Our Community mourns the loss of another young child.
An accident.
A bike.
A heart ache so deep.

We on the farm hurt as we pray for this family and long to ease their ache.

Our days have turned to years.
7 years our boy has been gone.
Today marks 8 birthdays we’ve celebrated without him.
I never know how to handle this day.
Some days I just want to run.

Run from the searing pain;
The memories and excitement of being a mom.
The grace of the years raising children.

Other days I want to dig in and remember.
To hold tightly to the days and years we had together.
I close my eyes and try to recall events and feelings I felt in that time.

I try to be thankful for the years I had.
I remember his crooked grin.

So much like his father.
His laughter rarely heard.

 

Such serious men.

I long to gaze into those deep blue eyes always troubled with the weight of this world.
I yearn to hold  his hand.

 

His hands always mesmerized me; so big and strong for someone so young.
He had so much life before him.
It was so abruptly silenced.

 

Today, he would be 25.
A quarter of a century.

I wonder what he would be doing.
Would there be red headed wee ones running around?
Would we butt heads?
Would he sit at my farmhouse table and drink coffee with us?
He loved coffee.
Would he still play the drums that are now silenced forever?

 

These things I wonder as my heart aches for my boy.

I cried myself to sleep the other night as I learned of the young girls home going.
I cried for her mama.
I cried for all the mama’s and their families who have lost their babies.
I weep for the ache they feel.

I pray they know the comfort of a loving Heavenly Father.

As we celebrate Elijah’s birthday, we step into deep gratitude for the life we’ve had.
His life was exactly what it was supposed to be.
And for that I am deeply grateful.
God numbered his days.
He numbers each of our days.

We don’t know how long we have.
So we live each day to please the One who has called us by name.
He will guide us and give us strength.
He will comfort us and hold our tears.

He will never, ever let us go.  . .

This, I know.

Happy 25th Birthday Elijah.

Daddy asked me what I wanted to do on your day, because I never do quite know what to do.
And I said that I wanted to make you a birthday cake.
I haven’t wanted to.
But today I will.
I will make you an ice cream cake and I will choose to remember today.
I will not run and hide from the ache.
Today, I will walk into the memories of birthdays gone by.

You’d love to play with your two nieces!

They would love your smile and gentle ways.
You’d love your older sisters house and all the work she has done.
I’m sure you and Adam would find some issues to debate.
Oh how proud you would be of your brother and the business he has created.

Your sister works so hard as a nurse and trying to pay off all her student debt.
I know you would love her fiance and his family.
You would be amazed at Christiana and her design talents and all the fun she is having cutting hair.
And Eleanor, your buddy.
You probably wouldn’t recognize.
She’s turned into such a beautiful young lady.

We all miss you dearly.
Each event and activity is always marred by your absence.
Yet, our eyes are focused upwards.
We are learning to see with new eyes the plans God has for us.
We’re longing to bring hope to a hurting world.

I am grateful for our family, friends and this community.
Stepping into hope and the promise of a new day.
Love you Lijy.