It is a song played during communion. I recognize it right away. The memory swept out from the dark corner. I close my eyes and I am there. Listening to the praise video the kids listened to. Praying for their little souls. My heart constricts with the memories. The music continues on. "I lay all of my burdens down at your feet." Oh how I miss my son. "And anytime, I don't know, what to do. I will Cast all my cares Upon You." Years of praying for my children. A desire to see them grow. Bend their knee to the One who gave us life. I squeeze my eyes shut. To the ... View Post
Are You Living In This Very Moment?
This is not my home. No matter the beauty. This is not where we belong. My focus. has to change. Each morning. A shift. It's not about me. God's plan is better. The missing overwhelming. My son. I want him here. Why did God not stop the accident? Why did he not save him? Why was it fatal? I fold laundry. His clothes. Worn by others. I breathe deep. It would be so easy to give up. To just let the darkness consume. The pain. The ache. The work it takes. There is a hole; where he belongs. His ... View Post
May Hope Find You
The music plays in the background. A song, somehow, I have not heard before. A story needing to be told. Another taken so young. It is staggering how many young men have been called home in a single car accident. Young men. Mama's sons. Daddy's boys. Sibilings. Children of God. The couple on the video tell their story. Their words resonate with my heart. This is not our home. This is not where we belong. It is the reminder. This journey is not over. We are heading ... View Post
Finding The Fullness Of Joy
She's 17 today; this sweet girl that has taught me so much about life. The girl who lost her dog and brother in a 2 week time span. Her Nana 7 months before that. Then the shocking walk of her father through cancer. This girl who walks in strength and grace. Whose smile and laughter light up a room. Her spirit; gentle and soft. A life surrendered to the King of all Kings. Practical like her dad. Free spirited in so many ways. She'll celebrate without her older brother to cheer her on. Her confidant. Her role model. She'll cross another milestone. I fear the ... View Post
A Sunday Journey To The Grave
I haven't been to the grave all winter. The grave that holds my first born. My son. The snow piles high and there is no passage to the cemetery except on foot. I know he is not there. I know he reigns above. He is in joy beyond all measure. He will never experience pain, or heartbreak. His journey complete. He's home. Waiting for us. But we are here. And to the grave I travel. This day when the sun warms the earth to the high 40's. The Sabbath. The day of rest. Someone had placed a wreath I never ... View Post
The Name Above All Names
Elijah. I just want to say his name. I want to holler through the house; it's time for dinner, or get down here and pick up your things. I want to say his name and hear his voice. I want to buy him a Christmas present and fill his stocking. My soul wishes for this not to be. The deep searing pain resurfacing. The loss permeating all that I do. Oh, how I miss him. Oh, how everything in me resonates that this is wrong. How can the God of the universe, that called all into being, have this be my path? It has been a year since mom died. A ... View Post
