I wake and I can feel the oppression. It is heavy. The weight of loss; the ache. Sometimes it's so hard to pray. I don't know what to say. It feels trivial. I've said it a hundred times already. God please be with me. Please, do not leave me. I pray Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. I say the verse over and over. I long for Him to strengthen me. To hold ... View Post
Just Another Day
3 bags gone. 2 of clutter 1 of trash. The girls were troopers. It was their room after all. They stayed with Sue. I stayed away. I balanced the check book. Folded 2 loads of laundry. Made a cake for death by chocolate. But forgot to turn the oven on. Ooops. Our friends were here from Florida so they brought lunch over. We sat in the sunshine and ate. It was so good to see them. It was so good to be in the sun. We talked about books on tape. And then of course we talked about ... View Post
It’s Only A Couch
We shop for a couch. I just about come unglued. There are so many choices. Don't let the fabric bother you, she says. You can have it in any fabric you want. Like the fabric becomes the end all? It's only a couch. Yet I am paralyzed. So many choices. It's only a couch. Maybe ours really isn't that bad, I start to think. The frame broke years ago. So there is a wee bit of a sag. Years ago, as well, the seams separated after the buttons popped off. Stuffing spills all over clothes and intertwines with your ... View Post
Celebrating the Farmer
It's his birthday. And I don' think there is anyone more happy than I that he is alive. I pray it stays that way. But cancer, depression and the death of a son make you wonder. We remember the good times today. Only the good. We treasure the fun. And as I remember; There really are only good memories. Sometimes we forget when life is hard. It's important to stop and remember. To live in the memories. I Corinthians 13:4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not ... View Post
I Want To Be Present; Right In The Here And Now
They move the drums. They are taking up space they say. The little girls are trying to organize the music room. All that is within me wants to scream. He had set them up. They are the way he had left them. .. that day. The last day he played. The last day he did anything on this earth. The bass drum ring damaged and in need of replacement. We had looked into getting it fixed; that last day he was here. The last day I have felt normal in 8 months. I slowly pull the drum set back out, away from the corner. I fight back tears. I keep my ... View Post
The Heartbeat Of Women
It's right there on the return address label. I am surprised by the emotion it evokes. I shouldn't be. I should be used to this by now But I'm not. Rose Bud Lane it says. Someone lives at Rose Bud Lane. It stirs in me that raw, yet warm memory feeling. Mom called Clarissa, "Rose Bud". Dad called her Rag Weed. Mom; gone now to live with Jesus. Dad; companion with the memory thief. Rose Bud was the perfect name. She was rosy and sweet when she was born. I dressed her in everything pink. I treasured all ... View Post
