It's the 28th. Sunday. 14 months. Months, days, weeks, moments of missing. Days of seeking who God is; who am I in Him. I wake again today to the fight to get up. My soul is heavy. I cry out to Jesus. I just want to burrow in. Sleep some more. My heart; Needs to change There was a double sleep over last night. Church to attend, a rehearsal for a performance. And it leaves me with tears pooling and a heart constricting. There is no milk. The keys to the van are missing. The other car ... View Post
Are You Living In This Very Moment?
This is not my home. No matter the beauty. This is not where we belong. My focus. has to change. Each morning. A shift. It's not about me. God's plan is better. The missing overwhelming. My son. I want him here. Why did God not stop the accident? Why did he not save him? Why was it fatal? I fold laundry. His clothes. Worn by others. I breathe deep. It would be so easy to give up. To just let the darkness consume. The pain. The ache. The work it takes. There is a hole; where he belongs. His ... View Post
Here’s To Mom’s
Here's to moms who've lost a child. Whose hearts have teetered on the edge. Whose world stopped for just a moment in time. When the eternal met the sweet, earthly soul. The mom's that have shed a thousand tears. While piercing pain rips through their soul. Mom's who get up every morning. Put one foot in front of the other. Who press through the day and create a home A home fractured and never the same. The mom's that stand by their child's bed. With wracking sobs. Never to caress the forehead again. The abdomen that swelled with ... View Post
Do They Sing Happy Birthday In Heaven?
It's another year. Your birthday. I miss you. You'd be turning 19. You've spent your 18th and now 19th birthday in heaven. Away from me; away from your family- but present with the Lord. What I wouldn't give to celebrate with you. My heart so desperately wants this to be different. To have you here. With us. I won't dance a mother's dance at your wedding. But we'll share a wedding feast some day; grander than anything this earth could provide. Some days the ache is so great I literally propel myself ... View Post
Do You Ever Cry Happy/Sad Tears?
Dwelling In Beulah Land Let the stormy breezes blow, their cry cannot alarm me; I am safely sheltered here, protected by God's hand: Here the sun is always shining, here there's naught can harm me, I am safe forever In Beulah Land. The strains of the third verse echo in this beautiful church. The words wash over me. He is safely sheltered here. . . protected by God's hand. The sun is always shining. . . naught can harm him. He's dwelling in Beulah Land. Elijah is safe from harm. My boy; naught ... View Post
Sometimes, It’s Really Not Fair
The email pops up. It's your birthday take $25 off your order. My mind racks. Whose birthday? I look. He rarely used his e-mail for anything. He used mine. My stomach lurches. The reminders painful. I try to remember to breathe. I can't hold my breath each time; each time there is a reminder. Death is permanent. What's on the other side is eternal. But here, this side of eternity; it's permanent. And it will tear you apart. The missing reaches into places you never knew existed. It can twist and turn until ... View Post
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