There are days I just want to make it all go away. I just want off this life I am living. The path is hard and unforgiving. The weight crushing at times. I long to shake this skin. I long to not ache. I should be rejoicing. We are done with chemo. We are done with radiation. I should be jumping for joy. But I can't. We still travel to the hospital. My farmer's weight is dangerously low. Food a necessity. Eating to live. His body racks with cough from excess mucus from the radiation. His sleep disturbed each night. I reach out and ... View Post
A 6 month Walk No One Wants To Take
I stand still in the kitchen. I have cried out to God most of the day. I am tired of cancer. I am tired of missing my son. My soul is unsettled and I long for peace. So I stand. In the kitchen that I hardly use any more. Meals continue to come. I have little to offer. My soul weary from the battle. So I stand. It is quiet. I breathe deep. I sense the presence of God. The peace that passes all understanding surrounds me. For a moment the cancer is gone, the sting of death is appeased. I stand for a moment ... View Post
It Is What Is Unseen, That Makes You Stronger
It is still dark. The rhythm of the day beginning. The sound of the washer and dryer. The beat of the pressing. Dishes, book work, school. Chores. Cold. The milk pump has been running for hours. Soon to have completed it's cycle. The feeding begun. Calves fed. My farmer begins the last full week of radiation. The routine to change; again. This is a change we will embrace. One we will anticipate. But yet, there is still the waiting. The waiting for the toxic cocktails and radiation to complete their work. Long after the ... View Post
The Question I Don’t Want To Answer
I know the question is coming. It always does. It is how we converse. But it is the question I don't know how to answer. One I don't want to answer. I meet a new friend. Our daughters standing next to each other in the concert. While we sit next to each other. Since we have been homeschooling, there are a fair amount of students and families we do not know anymore. How many children do you have? I pause. I don't know how to answer this question. Sometimes I just say 6; the oldest is married and we just had a grand baby. And the conversation moves on; because babies are cute and ... View Post
How To Make More TIme In A Day
I look into those beautiful blue eyes. His sons inherited them. One still growing, the other, his eyes closed for all of eternity. I turn away. Tears threaten to spill over. I hate to see him like this. It breaks my heart. I have no control. The outcome unknown. The toxic cocktails supposedl, targeting the cancer that threatens to consume his life. Yet the journey there, leaving him tired, and weak. Stepping each moment in faith and hope. Grace met us once again as one of the nurses prays with us. We are strengthened and encouraged. These glimpses ... View Post
I Don’t Have A Typical To Do List
This day. It is new. There is laundry and dirt. There is an abundance of clutter, paper work and dishes. There is financial stress, farming chores and broken equipment. There is still cancer and the searing pain of the loss of a child. Today marks 3 years for another family and the loss of their son. A Classmate of Elijah's. A name read at Graduation. The emotion so overwhelming we clapped and cried, remembering. For a long time. A life cut short by his own hand. I remember the feeling. . . how can you lose a child? How ... View Post
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