He sits at my table. I feed him. Physical nourishment. We feed him the Word. He; the downcast. Broken. Struggling with mental illness. Trying to find his way in this world. He sits at my table. I fight the thoughts that permeate my mind. My son. Buried deep beneath the earth. Not at my table; while this one lives. Why? My son; a hard worker. So young. A lover of God. Gone. And here. At my table the least of these. Matthew 25:40 "The King will reply, 'Truly I tell ... View Post
Show Me How What I Wanted Isn’t Best For Me
It was Early Sunday Morning his Spirit left his earthly body. In the wee hours. While the night was still dark. While I slept. My boy left this earth. The shock of those days have lessened. They still fill me with a sickening feeling when I think of them. There is much I still do not know about that time. I can't. It was Sunday morning when the heaven's declared God's majesty. Oh how our hearts ache. We long for this to be a bad dream. I want something I can never have. Each morning I wrestle with the knowledge that Elijah will never ... View Post
Even In The Searing Pain; We are Not Abandoned
I want to avoid his room. I haven't been in for a while. Sometimes the weight of the pain is crushing. I bring laundry up the stairs and turn away quickly. I pick up and work for a while. When it's time to go downstairs. I avoid looking. It's been a year. . . and a week. How can I do this long term? How can I survive this piercing pain? Some days it is so hard to function. I am distracted. Unsettled. Sad. Each moment needing to change my focus and reach for more. Seeking the beauty in the ... View Post
Being Molded Hurts
My washing machine is broken. It's been that way since Saturday. It's a 5 minute fix. A sensor that has repeatedly needed to be replaced over the past 4 years. 5 days, so far, of no laundry. With 6 people, a dairy farm and hot and humid weather this is a stinky situation. It is also one that is testing me to the core. I don't like the answer I was given. To wait one week to have a washer serviced is unacceptable in my book. I have paid for a maintenance warranty. I have expectations. They tell me I have options. I can rent a washer. My farmer says no. The last time the technicians ... View Post
The Everyday
He comes to visit.On his way home from work. He sits with us on the porch. So different. Elijah's friend. Here to talk about the fundraiser. A fund raiser to bless graduates. Hopefully many more along the way. To help. Offer support. In Elijah's name. Because he has been called home. I look at this boy in front of me. He and Elijah friends since they were small. I can't help but wonder. What would Elijah be doing right now? How hard this must be for Elijah's friend; helping with this fund ... View Post
We Can Only Change the Future
She posts this picture. It's her Anniversary. The tears just flow. I can't recall ever seeing this picture. This dear friend left for adventures and excitement out of New England soon after her wedding. Oh how life was back then. 24 years ago. It wasn't perfect. But there is an ache. For the way things used to be. For my son. For my mom and dad. For my friend; the miles that separate us. I was so honored to be her maid of honor. How I adored her. She was beautiful; her spirit soft and gentle. Kind. She wasn't rough around the ... View Post
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