He slept on the couch because the coughing is so bad. Yet he never complains. The radiation causing side effects that have no remedy. He is weak and so tired. Yet not once has he slept in. Not once has he been able to. The son the same way. He too rising each morning; never complaining. I struggle. There were plans set in place so he could rest. But it hasn't worked out that way. When things continue to spiral out of your control it makes you hold tighter; grasp with all your might. Clench everything that you can. As if ... View Post
3 Months of Not My Will, But Thine
It's been 3 months. 3 months of not my will but thine. The seasons have turned. Time . . .has marched on. "We will mark time now with the date. Not a day of the week. Though Saturday evenings into the wee hours of Sunday will forever be etched in my soul." I do not like this journey any better after 3 months. It does not feel comfortable. It is abrasive and unsettling. Isiah 55:8-9 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,”declares the Lord.9 “As the heavens are ... View Post
He is There And I Am Not
Sometimes the echo of the quiet is so overwhelming How does your soul reconcile that your child is gone? Church is always so hard. Today we sang this song. I don't know when I will be able to worship without tears streaming down my face. We will dance on the streets that are Golden. . . My son is dancing. . .on streets that are Golden. He is there. And I am not. This is hard and not right. I am learning to live moment by moment. More than that; is too much. I have grace for the moment; that is all. As I sing these words today, someone rubs my ... View Post
Making Soup, Grief and Faithful God
I strive for normalcy. I cook the ground beef. I make soup. My farmer loves soup, and I don't make it enough. The smells permeate the air. The warmth eleveates the chill. Soup will be good today. I walk down cellar to put away some groceries. Out of the corner of my eye, I see his barn coat. I linger there. The familiar companion of grief awakes. I swallow hard. I reach in the pockets hoping to find something. Something to connect me to him. So many mornings in that coat. I groan, how can this be? I am so powerless to change it. Everything so final. Never again. Oh how I ... View Post
Farm Living Without Your Oldest Son
The night Elijah went home to be with the LORD. His bed remained empty. . . and for 10 weeks now that hasn't changed. 10 weeks of leaning against the door frame, breathing in his scent, wondering how this can be. . . How can my son really be gone? 10 weeks of hoping to wake from this nightmare. It was his morning to help with chores. Gary did them alone. There was no power, so he had to hook up the generator. . .by himself. But, that was the only day. For weeks now, friends and family have risen in the early hours to ... View Post
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