Her hands were strong; weathered through the years from dishes, raising 5 children and many others who needed shelter in her home. A home that was sprinkled with grace and joy. A home where all who entered became family. She could refinish a piece of furniture or transform a room into a space that invited all who entered. She saw beauty in everything. She could turn a run down house into a cozy home; a bare piece of earth into a vibrant feast for the eyes. The ground yielded to her touch, releasing ... View Post
When What Looms Ahead, Seems Insurmountable
Just before I fall asleep I tell my farmer, I don't want to watch him go through chemo and radiation. I watched my mom's journey for 9 years and I have lost my son. I really don't know how much more my heart can take. How can I add more pain to our already broken hearts? I love this farmer with all my heart. He sighs in the quiet and holds me close. There are no need for words. Me the city girl moved to the farm. I think back to the early days of us dating and our marriage. Oh, how little I knew about the farming way. There is still much I do not know; much I do not ... View Post
What Do You Do When Nothing Is Going Right?
The lights twinkle. The kids are playing. Clarissa is at work. It is unusually quiet. It's nice. We are waiting for Gary to come in. It's been that kind of a day. The kind of day where you hold on with all you have. Because it's all about to slip out of your grasp. And I've come to realize, that's really ok. We are learning to hold very loosely to the things of this earth. Our hands remain open, either for removing, or pouring in. These days it seems more for the removing. Yet, I can not see the big picture. Things ... View Post
Advent: A Season of Waiting and Preparation
When you're in the middle of Advent and you're waiting; longing for Christs return. Longing for anything other than this path. Sometimes the pain is so searing it leaves me dizzy. The magnitude of the loss overpowering. Gary plays a message on his phone and it rips my heart right open wide. His voice. Oh, how I miss it. I knew his voice. I recognized it. I knew his step on the stair. These things a mama knows. And when those things are taken away - ripped right away from this life, it leaves you reeling and teetering for something to grasp. Because the hurt and pain of this world cuts like a ... View Post
I Want To Finish Well. . .Day #15 of Thankfulness
I stand at his grave. The tears don't come. In some ways it is hard to feel. I just miss him. So much. I bend down and touch the flowers. They were placed on the birthday of the Marines. Left by those that miss him too. Why is it that we want what we can not have? Why does our soul long for things out of reach? We are restless. A people still wandering in the desert; the promised land within reach. Obedience is too difficult. Surrender, foreign to our me centered lives. Philippians 1:21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is ... View Post
Waiting. . .How Well Do We Do It?
It is 6:00 a.m when we leave the house. It is still dark. I pray while we drive. Trying to calm the churning. I stare at the wall behind the bed. It is a familiar wall. They must be similar in each place. I hold Gary's hand. I close my eyes, I see the wall behind mom's bed. All the tubes and machines. I am holding her hand. Much smaller than my farmers. A beautiful hand with long nails, that even as life slipped away, she had manicured. Always on her own. Very few professional manicures in her life. I linger in the memories for a moment. But they are still ... View Post