I've been procrastinating for three years. A task I do not want to do. A task no one ever wants to do. A task that one shouldn't have to do. I have avoided Elijah's room. Pretend it doesn't exist. Closed the door to make it go away. His smell is still there. It's heady. It makes me weak in my knees. Sick to my stomach. His motorcycle helmet. The socks he changed out of. Still there. The sheets he had on his bed. But it's time. God said so. He sent one of Elijah's friends to ask if we had an extra room for him. Since our guest room will be filled; the only room is ... View Post
Saying, “Yes”, When You Want to Scream, “No”
Elijah. They say his name. Cleaning out a closet they find something that was his. Elijah. I just want to hear his name called. I miss saying it. You see when your son is taken. Things change. So when they mention his name. My heart skips a beat. 17 years of memories. His future just beginning. Hope. I long for that which I can not have. We're going to the drive in. A place I have avoided. A place I have tried to find excuses not to go. So far. It's ... View Post
Forced Seclusion Begins a Much Needed De-Cluttering
I'm forced to seclusion. My allergies overpowering. My air conditioned bedroom; my reprieve. Haying, lawn mowing, beautiful blossoms; all causing me discomfort. So, I head to my bedroom. On a gloriously sunny day. I am forced to look at the clutter. The piles of clothes. The boxes of paper. Most of it needing to go. I begin the process. Cards sent when our world shattered. When our first born son was called to glory at 17. When cancer threatened to take a good man down. When the joy thief knocked ... View Post
Saying Good Bye is Never Easy
The call came early Monday morning. A week ago. Memorial Day. The catch in his voice. I knew. I hoped it was something else. Some other reason. My brother had called to share that our beloved Dad had journeyed to be with the Lord. Gone; from this earth. That deep ache; the constant pain rubbed raw. Another loss. The walk of grief well worn. The path of gratitude in need of work. I begin the journey to my dad. This time to say good bye. Making arrangements all so familiar. My ... View Post
Calves! They’re Everywhere!
Sunshine spilled over the mountain this morning. Cool mornings force us to use heat. Hot coffee awaits me as I stumble to the kitchen. I run the schedule through my head. I beat eggs and try not to burn toast. I burn eggs and the toast is safe. I continue the run through of the schedule. There's school work and book work. Calves need to be feed. Oh those calves! They're everywhere! Calves always mean Spring here on the farm. The Winter is shedding it's skin. Milk production will return to a ... View Post
What to do with this Mother’s Day Thing
It's Mother's Day. My mom and my mother in law reside with the King of all Kings. And the one who made me a mom lives there too. And I want to cry. I want to scream and throw a tantrum. It's just not fair. I miss my son. I miss my mom. I miss my mother in law. I have much material for a pity party. A real "whoa is me bash." What good is that? What is being accomplished? Jesus himself had much to complain about. He was spit on, bruised and crucified as a common criminal. Yet not once did he utter ... View Post
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