I fight through these days. The last he had here on this earth. I long for things to be different. Yet trying to step forward each day. Agony. The need to do what you do not want to do. Press on. Remember. Seek joy. Let go. Digging for the strength needed. Only the grace for the day. I settle into all that will never be. He will never be a United States Marine. He will never marry. Our family portraits will never be the same. I don't want to hear the words, "You're healing." Like I'm going to be new again? My son has been torn from me. I will NEVER be the ... View Post
Alone; But Not Alone. . .Ever
I am alone. The house quiet. It is not a sound I am familiar with; or like. I wish I could take all those crazy moments when 2 diapers needed changing, lesson plans needed writing, dinner was cooking, and all 6 children were living. . . and bottle them. Then pull them out now. When I feel defeated. I was created to be a mom. And I have loved the journey. I haven't done it well. My children never had a nursery. I never had the latest stroller or baby gear. I never read a parenting book until Chelsea ... View Post
Digging Deep; Just Not In Soil
The sun peaks through the clouds. It is still a little cool. We women gather on the farmhouse lawn. Steam rises from mugs of hot coffee and tea. We dig deep into the Word. Wrestling with how to live as Christ. Verse by verse we unpack the wisdom. There is openness and sharing. Women in community. I gaze around the group. One I mentored. Now married with a young child. Another visiting from out of state. Friends I know well. Some, the friendship, just unfolding. Women. Seeking to live differently. A ... View Post
This Sea Of Emotions
I dream I am waking him up and he looks at me with those big blue eyes. It is the first time I have dreamed about Elijah since God called him home. It was so real. I woke sad. I fought through the day to focus on that which was positive. To count my blessings. To remember Elijah is with the King of Kings. His work finished here on this earth. He now reigns in Glory. Never to experience pain or hurt. Revelation 21:4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the ... View Post
The Hope For Today Lies In the Surrender
The sun rises in its glory. It will be another beautiful day. Such a gift to farmers. Hope. It is 11 months today. 11 months of not my will but thine. A journey I do not want to travel, but must. This place is uncomfortable and unpredictable. I long to change the path. I will for it all to be different. I want to hear Elijah's voice. I long to have my 17 year old be 18. I wrestle fiercely in my spirit. We are not of this earth. This. This is not our home. We are on a journey to eternal life. This path is lived with bowed knee. In ... View Post
Walking To The Beat Of The Rain
The sound steady on the tin roof. Rain. We've had more than 6 days of sunny, beautiful weather. Such a gift. I can't remember the last time we had such a stretch for that long. Now the rain comes. It is needed. The earth needing hydration. The sea of green dependent on water and sunshine. Our prayer. Good pastures this year. Our hope. A 3rd, even 4th cutting. Ephesians 3:20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, Winter ... View Post
