The Day I Lost Hope. . .

We sat at that farmhouse table, gathering documents.
In the morning they would head out to be the hands and feet of Jesus.
Months of planning, accepting donations, prayers.
The final details.
Prepared.
Until the farm boy joked.
He threw out the idea.
“What if the passports were expired?”
The seed of doubt;
quickly became a reality.
The college girl and farm boys passports would expire while they were in Haiti.
The farm boy, brushed it off.

We just need to trust.

This farm mama began a journey new to her.
I searched the internet for all information I possibly could find.
I posted on face book for any advice, connections etc.
In my heart I began to chastise myself.
I knew better.
I should have checked the passports.
All these people that have donated money, clothes, supplies.
I have let them down.
I have let my family down.
All this planning and I missed a detail.
An important detail.
How could I have done this?
I continued to search the internet.
Calls were made to customs.
The outlook not pretty.
I began a downward spiral.
Hopeless.
Despair.
Self loathing.
I had let my family and friends down.
I heard the break in the college girls voice.
I saw the tears begin to fall.
I could hear her cry.
She took over the internet search.
And I. .. for the first time in my life;
Shut down.
There were no words.
None.
No prayer.
No thoughts.
No hope.
Deep despair entered my being.
I crawled into bed.
I was utterly defeated. 

Sometimes our circumstances can so overwhelm us that we take our eyes off the very thing we need. 

I woke to darkness and the sinking feeling I had fallen asleep to.
Gone was the peaceful feeling I live with each day. . . even in the midst of pain and grief.
I still couldn’t pray.
I felt ashamed.
Broken.
Useless.
I had let my children down.
I had let good people, donating hard earned money. . .down.
I was a failure. 

I showered and gathered all the items we needed.
See.
In the midst of my inability to function, God was still at work. 
There are few expedited passport centers and one just happened to be in St. Albans, Vermont.
We needed to be there when they opened at 8.
We had an appointment for 9.
The flight; 11:30.
Every moment counted.
We packed the car.
We checked the list of all the things we needed.
I could barely look my kids in the eye.
Yet, somehow they seemed unaffected.
They seemed confident.

That farm boy was so funny.
He drove.
The farm girl needed assurance that she had all she needed.
So we went over the list.
I’m glad she needs me; even when I feel so disheartened.
The farm boy kept us entertained as we drew closer to the Passport facility.
He really is a gem.
We arrived early and waited in the cold outside the building.
I should be praying.
But I can’t.
I concentrate on breathing in and out.
Deep breaths.
The doors open.
We enter.
3 of the most jovial men greet us.
We explain our need.
They all cringe.
But encourage us to try.
We go through security.
I feel hollow and I move without thinking or feeling.
We enter the room.
The woman looks over our documents.
She grins when we explain our need.
She asks for passport pictures.
We have none.
She says,”That’s ok. There is a UPS store up the road. They’ll do it.”
I look at her.
They’ll do it?
Passport pictures. . . right now. . .?
And they did.
Less than 20 minutes we were back checking through security.
My heart beginning to thaw.
Laughter; as we go through security again.
Like passing through the waters.
Shedding the heaviness that weighs.
We greet the woman again.
She gathers all our information and seats us before the one who holds the answers.
He asks the kids what is going on.
They share.
He asks when the flight is.
He is surprised by the answer.
It shows on his face.
He looks at his watch.
It is now 8:30 am.

He says the words my heart didn’t expect to hear.
“You’ll make your flight.”

Everyone said it couldn’t be done.
I had no hope.
I did not believe at all.
Nor did I pray.
Utter despair had snuck in and stolen my joy.

I began to cry and my children feared I would be carted away.
They knew coffee was the answer.

The farm boys finger though.  .  .

The icy hardness of my heart began to thaw.

I have never experienced such despair.
The enemy has been waiting.
He has crouched at my door waiting to pounce for so long.
He achieved his goal.
His mission accomplished.

But.

Far greater is the love our Savior has for us!

Deuteronomy 28:7
The LORD will grant that the enemies who rise up against you will be defeated before you.
They will come at you from one direction but flee from you in seven.

He defeats that enemy.
I had lost sight.
God defeats the enemy of our soul, if only we will let Him. 

We finished our coffee and headed back to the office.
For the 3rd time we went through security.
Witnessing to these gentlemen the miracle that had occurred.

God wasn’t finished with us yet.
Not only were the passports ready by 9:15.
He also delayed the plane by a half an hour.
There was going to be no doubt that God wanted those kids to head to Haiti.
He would receive all the glory for this trip.
He provided.

Philippines 4:19
And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.

He moved mountains.
He is glorified.

Now.
They are there.

Why does my farmer wave?

Bringing hope to a Nation, battered and bruised.

Now.
I am here.
Nursing my heart back to health.
Time in the Ancient Word. 
Visits with 2 strong women in the Lord.
Breathing life into my weary soul.
God coincided a visit from my dearest mentor from High School.
He knew I would need her strength.
Her very presence, here.

Have you been discouraged?
Can you identify with the feelings of desolation?

I had lost hope.
I never believed.
Not once, that God could or would do this.
My focus had become so entrenched in what I was feeling.
I felt like a failure, I felt I let everyone down.
I should have known better, I should have seen this, I should have been bettered prepared.

I was so focused on me.  .  . that I missed what He would do.

Maybe I should have been more on top of things.
Maybe. . . .it wasn’t about me at all. 
Maybe this was God’s way of displaying his Might and Glory.

They’ve arrived in Haiti.

Ready to serve.

Thank you for all your support.
Thank you for praying when I couldn’t.

I am grateful that God is reminding me that this is HIS trip.