It's another year. Your birthday. I miss you. You'd be turning 19. You've spent your 18th and now 19th birthday in heaven. Away from me; away from your family- but present with the Lord. What I wouldn't give to celebrate with you. My heart so desperately wants this to be different. To have you here. With us. I won't dance a mother's dance at your wedding. But we'll share a wedding feast some day; grander than anything this earth could provide. Some days the ache is so great I literally propel myself ... View Post
Sometimes, It’s Really Not Fair
The email pops up. It's your birthday take $25 off your order. My mind racks. Whose birthday? I look. He rarely used his e-mail for anything. He used mine. My stomach lurches. The reminders painful. I try to remember to breathe. I can't hold my breath each time; each time there is a reminder. Death is permanent. What's on the other side is eternal. But here, this side of eternity; it's permanent. And it will tear you apart. The missing reaches into places you never knew existed. It can twist and turn until ... View Post
10 Months Of A Road I Never Thought I Could Walk
The days move along. Time has no respect for the heart. Maybe it was designed that way. The beat steady. Unwavering. 10 months of a cadence that is unfamiliar. A longing each day for what can not be. Reaching deep for strength. The earth a glow with spring color. Matchless in it's wonder. A palette stretched with colors unimaginable. The magnitude of loss so great; it mars the beauty. So I work. I step to see. Breathe. Listen. 10 months. I remember when you were 10 ... View Post
When You Have More Questions Than Answers
My son is on the field playing. It is his first game. It is my younger son. Now a High Schooler. I have sat in these bleachers for 4 years watching. The memories are overwhelming. These are new days. A new team. A friend joins me. Her sons gone to college. Mine to heaven. She sits with us. To remember. To help me through this day. While I sit in the sun; missing Elijah. Cheering Cedric. I receive a text. It is a text I don't want to read. You see last Fall, we were blessed. A man ... View Post
The Honor of being the Ugly Step Mom. . .who came up with that term anyway?
Today she turns 26. She came into my world in a different way. Her blue eyes and precious smile captivated me right away. Her long blonde hair flowing in the breeze. Her hand tucked snugly into mine. Bedtime stories and afternoon walks. These stole my heart. Along with the father who loved her so. Years of Field Hockey games, homework, playdates, road trips to see her in college; all done now. That precious young child has grown into a beautiful woman. All the girls. And then a wonderful young man stole her heart. But ... View Post
