It's been 4 and a half years since I've seen your handsome face. I long to hear you call me mom. Crystal shared a video of you today. Just the sound of your voice brought me to my knees with missing. I think the ache will leave. I believe it will fade away. But. It doesn't. It is still there. The piercing, gut wrenching ache. But. You know what. I'm ok with the ache. A companion. It reminds me of the gift you were to me. Our prayed for child after our deep loss of our first baby. 17 years of watching you grow and learn. I had a gift; a treasure. Death can not steal those ... View Post
Our Perspective is Everything
I wake to a head ache. The dull, throbbing kind. It's time for milking. My farmer brings me an Advil. I fall back to sleep. When I wake again it is to moon beams streaming into the room. I glance out the window. The view breath taking. The moon; full, bright. Illuminating. I lay there for a moment. Those first few moments of waking are always difficult. I purposefully change my thoughts. 2 Corinthians 10:5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the ... View Post
He Held All These Moments First
There are no Christmas decorations. Actually there is no one home. I do not have my key, because it is still on the key chain that I can hardly bear to look at. So different from the years gone by. There are leaves all over the driveway and yard. More signs of change. Dad always kept his yard free of leaves and such. It's almost too much to bear. The heaviness and magnitude of all that is gone weighs me down. Each step towards the door; agonizing. I notice everything out of place. I see what's been moved. New pictures on ... View Post
A Letter To God
So much of my daily journey takes me back to last year. How I felt. So much I do not remember. So much is still stuck vividly in my mind. This post echoes the cry of my heart. This week I have felt weary and worn. But we are holding on. Clinging to the rock that is higher than I. Dear God, I find myself in a deep place today. My first thoughts are usually to bring praise and Glory to your name. It is the habit established for more than 20 years now. My first thoughts when my eyes flutter open are to praise you. . .no matter how I feel. Today. . .I opened my eyes and ... View Post
Stepping Right Out Of Fear
The rains come. The earth eager for nourishment. The sound triggers memories. All senses alert. These are the pre-death days. Each moment so vivid. Such technicolor. Each night I fight against the jagged thoughts. The waking from sleep. The flashlights playing on my window. The knocking on the door. The deep dark. Knowing something is not right. The air conditioner. Off. No lights. It all threatens to tear at me. Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be ... View Post
How Far Can Your Love Reach?
Water spews from the line. Like a geyser. A hole. Probably the size of a pin. Undetectable. Unless water flows. The droplets cascading in an arc. Grass glistening. I stare at the beauty. I haven't traveled. My Old Faithful is this phenomenon on the flats. The water line that brings nourishment to our girls. A necessity to make milk. Some girls drinking close to 40 gallons a day. So much work. Yet so much beauty. I pull myself from the daze. I want to always see the beauty around. I ... View Post
