The Sun streams through the parlor window. It casts a brilliant beam. Christiana calls to me to come and see. It is beautiful. Something so captivating about streams of light. (It could possibly be my ADD) What if we could climb that beam right up to heaven, I ask her. Right up to see Elijah. What would be the first thing I would do if I could see him again? I think I would just fall to my knees, too over come. Oh, to touch him, hear his voice, see those blue eyes. And I wonder. . . Am I that zealous to see God? Do I look at every sunbeam and think about climbing right up to heaven ... View Post
I Have Placed Before Him My Very Best
Nineteen years ago, I awoke to a gorgeous fall day. The sun was shining. The air crisp. Leaves vibrant in color. I drove to work. I was 14 weeks along. I carried within me, life. I remember it like it was yesterday. I took a more scenic route. I praised the LORD the whole way to work. My heart sang for joy. Later that night my joy turned to utter desolation as I began spotting and would ultimately lose the child I so desperately wanted. I would look for someone to drive me to the hospital because Gary was spreading manure and I couldn't get in ... View Post
To Bring Honor
I Corinthians 10:31 So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Today I placed a flag to honor you at your grave. There was evidence that others had been there. Others missing you, remembering, Being at the Harvest Market flooded my heart with memories. The Parade bittersweet. The rhythm of the cadence, the work of your hands. The quad. . .your love. I thought I saw you a few times. It was strange. My heart fluttered. Missing you is so hard. We head to the grave. I feel ... View Post
It’s Been Two Months Since You Called Me Mom
It's been 2 months since you've called me mom. 2 months since I've heard you say good night. 2 months of living without you. How can this be? I have cried a thousand and more tears. The ache permeates. I stand in the doorway of your room If I close my eyes I can still hear you, I can feel you bustling around. I want this to be different. I don't like this plan. The pull of all the universe drives life forward. But I still have one foot stuck. . .on July 27th. . .The last day you were here and I don't ever want to take it out. I will look up to the heavens for ... View Post
Making Cookies, And Trusting, One Step At A Time
These days are glorious. The color, the sun; all magnificent displays of God's handiwork. I still long to feel. . . I try. I sit on a rock overlooking the meadows. I close my eyes and feel the warmth of the sun. But my heart still aches and longs for what it can not have. I make cookies for the first time. The memories of Elijah come like a flood. The last day he was here; the day we had no idea would be his last. He had come home all excited from a shooting match. I had made cookies. He stood in the kitchen and ate one after another. . .dipping them ... View Post
As Reality Sets In
As the fog lifts and my new reality sets in. I am confident only in knowing that my comfort is in the LORD. I lack confidence in every other area. I can not trust any emotion. I made a trip to the Orthodontist with Ana. I am reminded Elijah only had his braces off for a little over a month. I head to Walmart. First time in 2 months. I don't like going there under normal circumstances. There is nothing normal about me anymore. I come undone as my youngest asks for Ramen Noodles. Is there no easy way? We head to cello lessons and the memories flood my mind as tears pour down my ... View Post
