Her hands were strong; weathered through the years from dishes, raising 5 children and many others who needed shelter in her home. A home that was sprinkled with grace and joy. A home where all who entered became family. She could refinish a piece of furniture or transform a room into a space that invited all who entered. She saw beauty in everything. She could turn a run down house into a cozy home; a bare piece of earth into a vibrant feast for the eyes. The ground yielded to her touch, releasing ... View Post
When What Looms Ahead, Seems Insurmountable
Just before I fall asleep I tell my farmer, I don't want to watch him go through chemo and radiation. I watched my mom's journey for 9 years and I have lost my son. I really don't know how much more my heart can take. How can I add more pain to our already broken hearts? I love this farmer with all my heart. He sighs in the quiet and holds me close. There are no need for words. Me the city girl moved to the farm. I think back to the early days of us dating and our marriage. Oh, how little I knew about the farming way. There is still much I do not know; much I do not ... View Post
How The Doors To This Farm House Were Flung Open Wide And Grace Walked In
The doors to this farmhouse were flung open wide yesterday. I hadn't done any planning or baking, or even sent invitations. I had gone to the grave. My Aunt had purchased wreaths from the girls. The shipping to Florida was more than the wreath. So she wanted me give them to someone that might be in need of cheering up this Season. I had decided early on to put one of the wreaths at Elijah's grave. I leaned into the pain. I breathed in deep the fresh air and wrote in the snow; Miss You. Because with every fiber of my being, I do. I head back home. I ... View Post
What Do You Do When Nothing Is Going Right?
The lights twinkle. The kids are playing. Clarissa is at work. It is unusually quiet. It's nice. We are waiting for Gary to come in. It's been that kind of a day. The kind of day where you hold on with all you have. Because it's all about to slip out of your grasp. And I've come to realize, that's really ok. We are learning to hold very loosely to the things of this earth. Our hands remain open, either for removing, or pouring in. These days it seems more for the removing. Yet, I can not see the big picture. Things ... View Post
Remembering Sandy Hook
To touch your face. To hear your voice I listen for sounds on the stair that only you made. I lie in bed and run through the night you died over and over; I sent you a text, I woke at 11 and noticed you still weren't home. . . in those moments you were alive. Those moments threaten to haunt me. I struggle to know the answers. I struggle to find purpose. . .how do you live life without your son? What do you do with the memories? Where do you go when the hurt threatens to engulf? Today is the anniversary of the Sandy Hook shootings. Don't we all remember exactly ... View Post
When Life Isn’t Fair
It's not fair they shout! I'm making them clean up their school books. But I have interrupted their game playing. And they shout at me. Yes, those cute little girls. They shout; it's NOT fair. And I think back to Elijah's funeral and Glenn's proclamation that it isn't fair. Oh how right he was. It's not fair. There is nothing about this journey that's fair. There's nothing fair about my mom having cancer for 9 years and dying at 69. Or the memory thief storming dad's doors in his 50's and setting up permanant camp at 71. It isn't fair that our land flooded and ... View Post
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