I walk room to room.
The way of a mom.
The things that never seem to make it to its home.
Though, I confess, not everything has a home.
Why do I not look at the task with joy?
I pick up a jacket.
It is my first born sons.
I hold it.
I breathe in deep; searching for him.
This is so unfair.
I can’t make sense of this loss.
Today another mom buries her son.
The victim of an angry fight.
My heart aches for this mom I have never met.
I hug the jacket close.
The girls come in from the barn and I am drawn into the here and now.
Their laughter and giggles.
They have just finished milking and they have stories to tell.
I put the jacket down.
It falls from my hands.
The loss of a child pulls you into this world of; before and after.
The pull to both worlds-great.
Yet God has me here.
In this world.
Seeking this new path.
Finding a way.
Digging deep into the Ancient Word as I press forward.
Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.
The girls continue their giggles.
We’re heading out to spend time together.
I look longingly at the jacket.
I give thanks for my boy.
Deep, deep gratitude for the years I had.
I am thankful for:
The years I had with Elijah
The way God is revealing himself to me on this journey
my children and their willingness to grow and change
a messy house-it’s lived in and there is great love
my farmer who steadfastly milks the cows and works, yet makes time for anyone who needs help
the changing seasons; a reminder that beauty comes after the barren time
dirty paw prints on my newly washed floors
caked mud on my beautiful back porch
an endless pile of dirty, wet, smelly clothes
bags of chips left out and the dirty dishes on the counter
All these represent life.
There continues to be much on my heart these days.
Pressing in and reaching deep.
I pray that you are able to be thankful for the not so pretty moments.
The piles of clutter and the chaotic journey.
I Thessolonians 5:16-18
Rejoice always,pray continually,give thanks in all circumstances;
for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.