Sunday was Mother's Day. I spent the day reeling from the loss of our son. Being mom to less. A forever change. Wrestling with moving on and wanting to be stuck. In the back of my mind haunting me was my mom. But I couldn't even think about her. There are some places that are too tender to venture. Your heart just can't take it. So you push it aside and deal with the grief in front of you. I am not speaking of stuffing or ignoring. It's like that delicious book you want to finish. You wait until the quiet, when you can savor the characters and the ending of such a terrific journey. It's like ... View Post
Do You Long For That Deep Soul Peace? Yeah. . . Me Too.
There was a mix up with appointments. I needed to talk with one of the nurses. We play phone tag over 2 days. I seek peace We finally connect. We work out the appointment details. While I have you on the phone I say; Are you able to give me the results of the scans? He says he can. We don't have to wait 3 more days for the results. A mistake; used to give us answers. I don't even know what to pray. I hold my breath. But I think I have been holding it for months. He says the chest is clear. Then there is a pause. My head spins and ... View Post
A Primrose And Rain
A primrose. I bought it the other day. Something about the "living" yellow flower drew me. Because this is my reality at the end of March. I don't know how long I will be able to keep it alive. I water it and move it from sunbeam to sunbeam; when there is one. Today though, there is only the sound of drip, drip. The sound should fill me with glee! It has warmed up enough to rain. Instead I am filled with dread. The basement will flood. What is it like at the barn? What will the river do? This. will. not. be. ... View Post
Being In It For The Long Haul
I am in this for the long haul. This journey, called life, is only a shadow of what is waiting. It demands endurance. We have a family moving out to farm alongside us. They are packing all they own and know and hauling it across this beautiful country. They have a long haul in front of them. This is a new culture and climate. Many adjustments. They need to be in this for the long haul. This journey in life. It is not easy. It is riddled with strife, heartache and shattered dreams. There is great beauty, and there is deep pain. Yet there is comfort and hope for the ... View Post
The Partner That Brings Grace To Your Movements
Sometimes I just want off this road. I've said it before. To me it seems hard. At each door there is pain and heart ache. It's another journey to process and move through. There is a dance while moving through pain. The movements can be stiff and awkward. Or they can be smooth and graceful. When you walk hand in hand with a partner skilled in guiding the way; the movements become fluid. I want things to be fluid. I long for movements that are graceful. What is it that creates the graceful out of the chaos? Who called order into the cosmic ... View Post
Sometimes I Just Can’t Pray
Sometimes I can't pray. There are no words. I try. The enormity of all that has happened and is happening stifles almost all my being; and prayer can not happen. I know others are praying. I can feel it; There is a sweet peace that permeates. Being still before God is hard to do when your son lies deep beneath the sod of this earth. When you wait for toxic cocktails and radiation to work their miracle on your husband. Grief transcends words and emotions. And I sit to pray and I can't. I walk to pray, and I can't. Words don't come. Usually the ... View Post
