It washes over me like a wave. He's gone. I have to take the older kids to the doctor for their sports physicals. We're in the car. A familiar song comes on. They turn up the volume. We rock to the music and sing. My heart constricts. He loved this song. He loved music. We listened to so much music.He made music. And now; He's gone. My flesh and blood. The magnitude of the loss is crushing. How can we do this? How does the scheme of the family go? Who is first born? No one seems to know. My ... View Post
Why Do We Hold Our Burdens Tight?
We celebrate my farmer's birthday. The first without Elijah. It is so hard and feels so wrong. We leave the farm. We head to meet Chelsea, Adam and Lilah. We spend time together in a mall. I watch my farmer. What makes my farmer so depressed? Why won't the medicine take effect? It there something metabolically wrong? Something like electrolytes; a quick fix. We go to the doctors. She looks at us. My farmers blood work is good. His body is doing what it should. She tells us what we already know; but forget. We've been through a lot. Grieving ... View Post
I Want To Be Present; Right In The Here And Now
They move the drums. They are taking up space they say. The little girls are trying to organize the music room. All that is within me wants to scream. He had set them up. They are the way he had left them. .. that day. The last day he played. The last day he did anything on this earth. The bass drum ring damaged and in need of replacement. We had looked into getting it fixed; that last day he was here. The last day I have felt normal in 8 months. I slowly pull the drum set back out, away from the corner. I fight back tears. I keep my ... View Post
Being In It For The Long Haul
I am in this for the long haul. This journey, called life, is only a shadow of what is waiting. It demands endurance. We have a family moving out to farm alongside us. They are packing all they own and know and hauling it across this beautiful country. They have a long haul in front of them. This is a new culture and climate. Many adjustments. They need to be in this for the long haul. This journey in life. It is not easy. It is riddled with strife, heartache and shattered dreams. There is great beauty, and there is deep pain. Yet there is comfort and hope for the ... View Post
The Heartbeat Of Women
It's right there on the return address label. I am surprised by the emotion it evokes. I shouldn't be. I should be used to this by now But I'm not. Rose Bud Lane it says. Someone lives at Rose Bud Lane. It stirs in me that raw, yet warm memory feeling. Mom called Clarissa, "Rose Bud". Dad called her Rag Weed. Mom; gone now to live with Jesus. Dad; companion with the memory thief. Rose Bud was the perfect name. She was rosy and sweet when she was born. I dressed her in everything pink. I treasured all ... View Post
The Let Down From Our Desire vs Reality
I walk by his room. I lean into the doorway. It's a habit now. I breathe in deep. I softly call his name. I just want to hear it. I long for him to be bustling around late for something. He was always late. Couldn't find what he needed. So much like me. So many days it's the same endless feelings. Desire vs. Reality. Skinny vs Plus size. Clean house vs Messy. The desire to have studied more; the reality of failing. On and on it goes. We can run scenario after scenario of situations where ... View Post
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