The bell tolls. It's been more than 20 years since I have heard that sound. It stirs the memories held deep. The 4 months I lived across the street. When time was measured by the toll of the bell. The hour. The half. It seems like a life time ago. All my future still before me. Young, innocent. My walk with God was different then. He was all I had. There were few distractions. Much time spent in prayer. Though the richness and depth came with time. As I turn the corner the tolls end. I can feel the companion of sadness and loss begin to permeate. ... View Post
When You Have More Questions Than Answers
My son is on the field playing. It is his first game. It is my younger son. Now a High Schooler. I have sat in these bleachers for 4 years watching. The memories are overwhelming. These are new days. A new team. A friend joins me. Her sons gone to college. Mine to heaven. She sits with us. To remember. To help me through this day. While I sit in the sun; missing Elijah. Cheering Cedric. I receive a text. It is a text I don't want to read. You see last Fall, we were blessed. A man ... View Post
Even When I Feel Alone. . . He Is There
They came to the farm. We knew little of what was happening. Never had any idea of the magnitude of the gift. They were there to serve. Quietly. And today. When there is still snow on the ground, when depression's clutches dig deep; when the wind blows causing temperatures to plunge to freezing, we are reminded of the gift. Reminded that the farmer does not have to go each day to forage for wood. It is there. Piled high. It is grace. All wrapped in a beautiful package. When those pieces of love were cut and stacked, there was no diagnosis of cancer. There was just deep heartache and ... View Post
Just Because
It's still there. I breathe in deep. Just a hint of his smell. I hold his pillow. I lay my cheek on the softness. I rock back and forth. I linger in the memories. It's the missing that can consume. A desire around the pain. Any way but through. The wanting to hear his voice; call me mom. We sit at the dinner table. We light his candle. We just miss him so much. And at some point you have to just stop the missing. Because He's not coming back. All the uncomfortable shouts at us. Cedric balks at going to summer ... View Post
The Super Bowl And The Almighty. . .All In A Day
It's Sunday. And I know his mercies are new every morning. It was the immediate thought that ran through my head when I saw the sunrise the morning of Elijah's home-going. His mercy and grace have been extended greatly in the past 6 months. We have been carried when we can not walk. We have been loved and cared for by our friends and community in ways I could never have imagined. I am glad for this day of rest. I am weary. The week has been long. My emotions getting the better of me most of the time. I can't sort out some of this ... View Post
What Seemed So Insignificant
I finger the berries. Frozen berries with the words, picked July 30, written on the bag. The day of Elijah's wake. I remember the man walking in and bringing them. A stranger. Drawn in. Knowing the tragedy. Wanting to help. He looked around. He saw what was left of a red headed, well loved boy; his life laid out in piles in the parlor of those who have gone before him. Memories, pictures, graduation hat and gown. A life interrupted suddenly He handed me the berries. He left. I finger those berries and I make a smoothie ... View Post
