Sunday was Mother's Day. I spent the day reeling from the loss of our son. Being mom to less. A forever change. Wrestling with moving on and wanting to be stuck. In the back of my mind haunting me was my mom. But I couldn't even think about her. There are some places that are too tender to venture. Your heart just can't take it. So you push it aside and deal with the grief in front of you. I am not speaking of stuffing or ignoring. It's like that delicious book you want to finish. You wait until the quiet, when you can savor the characters and the ending of such a terrific journey. It's like ... View Post
Holding On To Hope
The sun peaks through the clouds. The air warm. Such a contrast to the winter's relentless icy blast. The sounds of Spring cut through the morning stillness. It is in these moments, each morning, that the strength for the day is nurtured. Dormant bulbs burst with the day's warmth. The gentle submission to the Father's will. The desire to seek obedience over sacrifice. We earn nothing. It is given. Freely. Ransom paid long ago for our souls. To be. To live. To have eyes to see the beauty when much ... View Post
Sometimes He Does; Sometimes He Doesn’t
She asked for a banana and she was given 92. Just one. That's all she asked for. An impossible situation. She was a prisoner in New Guinea during the war. A missionary placed in a prison camp. Then accused of being a spy. Faith like a mountain. In the cold hard cell, Darlene Deibler Rose gave thanks for the tile. It meant she was out of the dirt. A blessing. She counted her 1,000 gifts right there in the prison cell. A woman alone. Her husband taken from her and gone the way of the saints. She was starving and ... View Post
Laughing In The Graveyard
The boy leaves me undone. Most days are difficult. Each word is poison and I can't begin to help him. He's lost a brother. Dealt with his beloved father being so sick and he's 14. I would come unglued. He's still fragile in the faith. And he's lashing out. But sometimes there are glimpses of what is to come. The veil pulled back and the blue eyes shine. There is humor and there is a sensitivity, so like his fathers. But this growing and stretching is hard on me. So when there is a calm. I embrace it. When ... View Post
When Each Step Taken, Is On Solid Ground
Easter. A day of great joy. Also my birthday. Another new path forged. Days I didn't want to walk through. Yet the beat of time relentless in its march. (Easter 2013) (Easter 2013) Then, the realization that your first born is residing in Glory on this Resurrection day. Oh the joy he experiences on a continual basis. We, a people, just trying to understand with limited minds. I made it through most of the service with out crying. It's the first service since Elijah met Jesus and Gary was diagnosed with cancer, that I haven't dissolved into a weeping ... View Post
Why Do We Hold Our Burdens Tight?
We celebrate my farmer's birthday. The first without Elijah. It is so hard and feels so wrong. We leave the farm. We head to meet Chelsea, Adam and Lilah. We spend time together in a mall. I watch my farmer. What makes my farmer so depressed? Why won't the medicine take effect? It there something metabolically wrong? Something like electrolytes; a quick fix. We go to the doctors. She looks at us. My farmers blood work is good. His body is doing what it should. She tells us what we already know; but forget. We've been through a lot. Grieving ... View Post
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