Just For A Moment

Just for a moment
I am alone.
I play one of my favorite cd’s.

It is quiet.
And just for a moment I let my self remember.
For a moment I am a mom of 6 again.

Just for a moment.
I let the tears fall as the quiet permeates my soul.

These days have been so full.
Teens laughing and filling our farmhouse table as our German daughter prepares to head back to her home country.
College students home and visiting and it’s been wonderful.

But just for a moment they’re all out.
I cry the tears that have been on the surface for weeks.

They fall
Hot.
Wet.
This ebbing forward of life.
Continually moving.
Powerless to stop
A desire to not miss a thing.
Yet always the ache.
Underlying all the activity.
It remains the same
There is always one missing.
One child’s place permanently empty.
The stocking
The table
Empty.
Just for a moment I let myself feel the ache.

Mostly now I work to celebrate the years I had.
They were wonderful years.

I have much to be grateful for.

But Just for a moment I come undone.

The kids will return soon .
I peel clementines for them.
Not that they aren’t able, but more so they’ll get eaten.
I remember years of snacks and meals around this farmhouse table.

Conversations and arguments.
Oh how that red head liked to argue.
I miss his wit.

I miss the blue of his eyes.
The single dimple.
The red bushy eyebrows.
The large hands like his dad.

And just for a moment I wonder how I can go on?

How can I day after day miss that child I so lovingly carried within?
The music continues to play as my heart grieves the deep loss of my child.
There is no time line for grief.

Just for a moment I remember. 

Do you grieve the loss of someone or something dear? 

Life has a way of taking us on twists and turns we didn’t see coming. 
Our hearts are squeezed and broken in ways we could never have imagined.
Sometimes it feels like it’s too much.

Just for a moment. . . stop. . .
Breathe deeply.
On purpose.
Breathe in the reminder that God is holding you.

Isaiah 63:9
In all their distress he too was distressed,
    and the angel of his presence saved them.^[a]
In his love and mercy he redeemed them;
    he lifted them up and carried them
    all the days of old.

Breathe in the grace he will give you in moments.
We can’t see the end of this journey.
God only gives us grace for the moment.

The kids are on their way home.
Soon this quiet will dissipate with the sound of stomping on the porch and teens bursting through the door.
I want to be present for them all.

So, Just for a moment I remember. . .