We Miss, Because We Had Something to Miss

It’s been 5 Mother’s Days since I’ve celebrated with my mom.
4 since my son left this earth so suddenly.
Both leave an opening.
An ache.
My brothers and I have been going through photos.
Photos that have made us laugh.
Say, “what?”

And some that have nearly brought me to my knees.

Our family pictures are forever changed and events and gatherings  always include missing.

I’m grateful for the missing though.
We had something worth missing. 
Something so great, that when it’s not there, it’s missed.

I can’t change the events of my sons passing.
Oh, how I would love to. 
I wonder daily if I had done one thing differently that day, would the outcome be different?
That is not mine to wonder.

Psalm 139:16
Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Mine is to live;
fully in the presence of an Almighty God.
To open my eyes to wonder.
Each moment.
A gift.

There are thousands of them.
New grand babies.
Graduation.
Concerts.
Recitals.
Senior Teas.
Senior Prom

A hundred different moments waiting to be lived.
I’m holding the grief close to my heart, while I step out.
Step forward to the wonder of new moments.

It may not all be all beautiful and wrapped up nicely.
There will be more heartache.
There will be more tough bumps in the road.
Grief is hard work. 
It is a constant letting go.
Surrendering all that pain and uncertainty, each day.
Sometimes all one can muster is a surrender for the moment.
Work.
Each day.

Through it all we remain in the loving care of the Almighty.
He never leaves.
He never forsakes.
He wraps himself around all the hurt and pain.
He holds your tender heart so gently in his hands.

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

We miss, because we had something to miss.

I want to continue to create moments of wonder and awe.

I want to let God use me for His purpose.
To teach me more and more about his character and who He is.
To take this hurt and deep ache and use it for good.

Mother’s Day looks different for me now.
Each year is unique.
Trying to breathe and live through the roller coaster of emotions.
Leaning in to allow the Holy Spirit to create wonder moments.

We miss, because we had something to miss. 

Happy Mother’s Day everyone.