I trust God.
Trusting God has been part of my life as along as I remember.
It’s the trusting that he will, that is hard.
I know he can.
But will he?
This is a struggle.
This is how my life is impacted by the loss of a son.
I have new family dynamics.
Who is the Oldest? The second born?
The Youngest boy is now the Oldest boy;
and is so messed up and painful and hard.
It’s messy and dirty and loud and heart wrenching.
I can’t sort it out or make it make sense.
And each time I lean in to trust there’s a piece of me that says he won’t.
Because He could have.
He could have reached down and saved my son.
But He didn’t.
He let him die.
38 months today.
He let me suffer and ache.
He let my farmer get cancer.
He let my children hurt and yearn for their brother.
This; is my God.
This is the raw, painful truth.
That is not all of the journey.
There is the countless hours we have been held by the power of prayer.
By visits and cards and words of encouragement.
Our physical needs provided for.
There are these verses of truth.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them,
for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
These promise resonate with the very core of my being.
They speak into the dark ache.
The deep place that no one sees.
The place that cries out for my son to be here.
It’s wrapped in the loving arms of a Savior.
A Savior that knows the loss of a son.
The pain and heartache.
I am not alone.
He knit me in my mother’s womb.
He knit together my Elijah; all our children.
He ordained before the dawn of time the days of our lives.
He and He alone is the life giver; and the life taker.
His ways are higher
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
He has gone before me.
Whether I choose to believe that he will.
Is my choice.
I know he can.
I need to believe that he will.
Each day I am learning to lean.
To live life.
To allow the Creator of the Universe to let me see through His eyes.
Beauty in a different way.
I am learning to let go of the tight grip I have on everything;To order it so I won’t hurt or feel pain.
I am learning to trust in new ways.
Learning to rest in the Sovereignty of an Almighty God.
While I don’t understand.
I know He does.
While I still wish it were different.
I still would rather walk in a plan I don’t understand with an Almighty God who does.
May you head out today with renewed Faith in a Loving God.
May you trust in His Sovereignty.