I spewed before I listened.
Hot, spicy words came flying out.
I was angry.
There are clothes everywhere.
Furniture in the hallway.
Furniture in a closet.
Furniture where it doesn’t belong.
Rooms that I had decorated and cleaned and arranged;
now the way they want them.
Not the way they were.
And I lose it.
The homeschooling books are still out, the science experiment, still on the counter.
There is laundry piled high from too many clothes and the cleaning out the rooms.
The youngest; angry, throws markers every where and stomps off in a sea of her own
spewing and ranting.
And I don’t have toddlers.
These are real teens and pre-teens digging through this journey we call life.
Every where I look there is chaos.
I take the wretched feelings and transfer them to the farm.
Most of our tractors are broken down.
My farmer rarely has time off.
Things aren’t getting done.
And I spin and spin in this negative world.
I am defeated.
I don’t have eyes to see anything else.
What I don’t see through this lens is the creativity of the dancer girl.
Moving her room around gives her pleasure.
She’s expressing herself.
So much of who she is, is wrapped in her decorating.
Something I never learned to do.
I was the obedient child.
Focused on compliance.
The youngest has moved herself into Elijah’s room.
I have halfheartedly let her do it.
Harboring feelings and nurturing a pity party.
Instead of seeing her desire for independence.
Trying to break free the youngest role.
Occupying the oldest’s room.
Connecting in her own way.
The farm boy is cleaning his room too!
What parent doesn’t long for their teenage boy to clean?
He’s reached the end.
He too is creating space.
It looks lovely.
Guitars on their stands.
A sound system.
He has moved my old desk into his room so he can make more of that wonderful music.
All I see is the recipe for a perfect storm.
And I missed so much!
So many moments to breathe in life.
Correction too, if needed.
And now I’m left empty and sad.
Tired from the expression.
Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness
And all these things shall be added unto you. Allelu Alleluia.
When we fail to see beyond the clutter and chaos we miss beautiful things.
I need to learn to break free of the constraints.
To nurture the creativity.
I’m walking in my own strength.
My focus has shifted from a heavenly perspective to a very narrow earthly one.
No matter how many times I am reminded I still fall.
I fail to use the greatest gift given.
In the quiet of this hour I surrender.
I lay before the King of all Kings, my heart.
It’s tired and bruised.
I refuse to keep walking this path.
I turn and step into grace.
It’s been waiting all along.
God knows how things should be.
When my heart is yielded to him;
He makes all things new.
He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!”
Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
He’s big enough to handle my frustration and outbursts.
He longs for me to first come to him.
(really it would have been easier)
My babies are growing up.
And having babies of their own.
I’m working myself out of a job.
This is a good thing.
For so long this is all I have known.
While my friends are experiencing empty nest.
I am still waiting for one to enter the teen years.
I long for this journey to be a joyous one.
That has to start with me.
I’m sure this won’t be the last time I spew spicy words, or flail like a crazy woman.
I’m sure there will still be moments where my children think someone has done something
very strange with their mom.
Most importantly I want them to remember that I recognize when I mess up.
I share with them my frustration.
I ask their forgiveness.
This mom job is hard; and I’ve been doing it for a long time.
God’s got this.
He’s going to help us all through whatever struggle is before us.
Lay down your burdens.
Ask for forgiveness.
Turn to the truth that He is doing a new thing.
Start this day fresh.
No matter how messed up it was yesterday .
Walk the walk of victory today as you surrender all the “stuff” from yesterday.
Here on the farm the day has already begun.
2 hours into milking.
Bacon and fried potato simmering.
Batter mixed and ready to put on the griddle for pancakes.
Stopping to surrender our home.
This farm over to the One who breathes into us life.
Won’t you join me?
2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:
The old has gone, the new is here!