Before I even open my eyes, I feel it. I have a headache and the missing is there. Some days it is not so apparent. But today it will be my constant companion. The deep longing. I want to wriggle out of this skin. I want all that has been lost to be restored. But it can't. The weight of the loss and what the future will hold threatens to pull me down. The hot burning has returned. I make coffee and look at the piles of laundry and book work still needing attention. The floors that need to be mopped, the ... View Post
How To Have an Authentic Thanksgiving When Your Life Has Been Turned Upside Down. . .Day #26 of Thankfulness
I will cook my Turkey this Thanksgiving without my mother, without my son, without the cutest white fur ball at my feet, hoping I will drop something; and without asking my dad for advice. I might call him just for tradition sake. But the memory thief stormed his doors awhile ago. How do you continue to be Thankful when the pain runs deep and the ache so strong. Elijah will never come home. No matter how I stare at the bed and picture him playing on his ipad. . .No matter how much I try to make him there. He's not. And never will be again. Oh, God, how this hurts. I want to make it all go ... View Post
Just Because. . .Day #24 of Thankfulness
I want to tell you something. Come closer. Good. Look deep into their eyes; memorize the color, every hue that changes with their mood, the lines on their face, the tilt of their grin. The beauty mark on the lip, that caused shaving casualties. . .Memorize the full eyebrows singed many times by the fire. Bathe them in prayer. Run your hand through their thick red hair, or over their nicely shaven one in preparation for boot camp. Hold their hand and run your fingers over the growing, over the stretched skin, now rough from mans' work. . . just because. Remember. Don't ever forget. Listen ... View Post
Now He Has Perfect Sight. . . Day #2 of Thankfulness
I climb into bed. I am so tired. My spirit is deflated. The house is a mess. There is food on the counter. The floors have not been mopped in 3 months. There really is not a counter or table top that is not covered in clutter. My mind is cluttered. I know it. I can feel it. I have shifted my gaze. It is easy to do; when things get tough. When it's hard to breathe; we tighten our grip. We tense. And in those moments, I have taken my eyes off the One who is the only source of strength I ... View Post
With Whom do I Wrestle?
My heart is wounded. I am tired. This path is wrought with grief and pain. The only way out is through. One needs to wrestle through the memories. Through the future that will never be; snatched away. I've been robbed. Robbed of graduation from Marine Corps Boot Camp, robbed of the future of our son. And it hurts. I can't change it. No matter the longing, it will never be. Yet my wounded heart is held in the palm of the hand of the One who created us. And as I wrestle each day with the reality of never ... View Post
No Time For Good Bye’s
The end of a life so sudden No time for goodbyes No warning The waves of shock continue The sharing of the burden lessen's the load But the night is dark and my heart cries out for what it can not have The seasons change The air pungent the earth readies for slumber of winter there is death all around each leaf and flower a reminder that all must come to an end Where does hope lie? Where does one go with the torment of grief The agony of loss The inability to change the course of events. The winter only last for a time here we do not stay. For to, means ... View Post
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