The house echos without her presence. There is something so desperately missing. The kids say it on the way in. "I miss Nana greeting us at the door, Abbey too." This log cabin; this was her pride and joy. Oh, how she loved her home. She cared for it with a tenderness and love like no one else. She so appreciated everything about this place. She loved being in the country; she loved to sit on her front porch. It's funny to think how different we are. She loved to work and work to make the house so clean and perfect. And then she would sit and read in her chair and enjoy. I ... View Post
The Name Above All Names
Elijah. I just want to say his name. I want to holler through the house; it's time for dinner, or get down here and pick up your things. I want to say his name and hear his voice. I want to buy him a Christmas present and fill his stocking. My soul wishes for this not to be. The deep searing pain resurfacing. The loss permeating all that I do. Oh, how I miss him. Oh, how everything in me resonates that this is wrong. How can the God of the universe, that called all into being, have this be my path? It has been a year since mom died. A ... View Post
A Promise That Will Never Be Broken
She meets me at the door, as I enter church. I haven't seen her in so long. She hugs me tight and we cry. She so young, with babies growing. Together we share the silent pain of miscarriages, me but one. . .she many. But this new pain; I carve a new path. What do you say? How can you express in words the fear every parent lives with; the one no one wants to endure. She hugs me tight as we cry. The service is beautiful. The first Sunday in Advent, the reminder of the Promise. A service of dedication; a young mom and dad dedicating their 2 boys before the ... View Post
The Future That Really Matters. . .Day #30 of Thankfulness
I walk out of the bedroom to start my coffee. There are sleeping bags all over the living room. I pick up the pot and plug it in the bathroom so not to disturb anyone. I have a blondie in my bed who had a headache in the middle of the night. I start the laundry and fold a load while I wait for the coffee. My phone is plugged in, in the middle of the sea of sleeping bags. I don't dare disturb them. I wander to the parlor, I open the door and there is another sea of sleeping bags. I head back to my room. I hope the blondie stays sleeping. There are sleeping bags in 2 of the rooms ... View Post
It’s a Big, Deep Breath Kind Of A Day. . . Day #28 of Thankfulness
It's a big deep breath kind of a day. It's been 4 months. 4 months since we were woken from our sleep with the news that our boy was in the presence of the King of Kings. 4 months since we placed our red headed, handsome, just graduated boy in the sod of this earth. How thoughts of that night still rock my world. And it's this day, that America celebrates all that we are thankful for. The bounty and provision given in desperate times. Being thankful is a practice I have cultivated throughout the months and years of my life. Seeking wholeheartedly ... View Post
How To Have an Authentic Thanksgiving When Your Life Has Been Turned Upside Down. . .Day #26 of Thankfulness
I will cook my Turkey this Thanksgiving without my mother, without my son, without the cutest white fur ball at my feet, hoping I will drop something; and without asking my dad for advice. I might call him just for tradition sake. But the memory thief stormed his doors awhile ago. How do you continue to be Thankful when the pain runs deep and the ache so strong. Elijah will never come home. No matter how I stare at the bed and picture him playing on his ipad. . .No matter how much I try to make him there. He's not. And never will be again. Oh, God, how this hurts. I want to make it all go ... View Post
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