I want to tell you something. Come closer. Good. Look deep into their eyes; memorize the color, every hue that changes with their mood, the lines on their face, the tilt of their grin. The beauty mark on the lip, that caused shaving casualties. . .Memorize the full eyebrows singed many times by the fire. Bathe them in prayer. Run your hand through their thick red hair, or over their nicely shaven one in preparation for boot camp. Hold their hand and run your fingers over the growing, over the stretched skin, now rough from mans' work. . . just because. Remember. Don't ever forget. Listen ... View Post
Oh, How He Loves Us. . . Day # 22 of Thankfulness
How can you be gone? I look at your picture, I want to see you so badly. I want to turn back time, change anything I can. I yearn for this to not be. I long to hear you call me mom. I walk into your room. I just stand there looking around. I remember your crib and then your big boy bed. I remember when Cedric needed to share the room and how angry you were. I think back to the time Caleb gave you your first Lacrosse stick. I want to hear how things are and chat. You're my first born. My boy, my Lijy. It's just so not fair. My heart just can't take it ... View Post
I Want To Finish Well. . .Day #15 of Thankfulness
I stand at his grave. The tears don't come. In some ways it is hard to feel. I just miss him. So much. I bend down and touch the flowers. They were placed on the birthday of the Marines. Left by those that miss him too. Why is it that we want what we can not have? Why does our soul long for things out of reach? We are restless. A people still wandering in the desert; the promised land within reach. Obedience is too difficult. Surrender, foreign to our me centered lives. Philippians 1:21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is ... View Post
30 days of Thankfulness
The Halloween festivities are over. The candy hidden away from other siblings. Clarissa is still out. I climb the stairs to kiss the girls goodnight. I linger at his door. I look around. How does it come to this? How can I be left to carry on? Oh how I miss him. My child, my son. I gaze at his airsoft guns. The clothes still not put away. His motorcycle jacket and helmet. The ache remains embedded in my heart. I think of all the mom's whose children have gone before them. I can hardly pray. It is more a groan.I turn and walk down the hall to ... View Post
Leaning
I lean against the door frame to his room. His smell still lingers. I close my eyes. How long will it last? Tears threaten to overflow. . .once again. How can one shed so many tears? Oh how the heart hurts. I lean into the door and breathe deep. I breathe in the years of parenting. I breathe in the school plays, homework, parent conferences. I breathe in long discussions and life decisions. I breathe in the first moment I heard his cry and held all 9.1 pounds of him. And I lean into the memories. These memories are all I have of ... View Post
Unexpected Visitors
We had visitors the other night. They are not the kind of visitors you really want to have. They didn't bring a gift. They brought bad news and pain. Our beloved first born son had taken his final drive. Elijah went home to be with the LORD at about 12:30 am July 28. He is not yet 18. He just graduated. You all know that my faith is my life. And my family and I will continue to walk in that light. God is good because of who He is. Not because of what he does. I do not understand this plan or like it. . .Our lives are forever changed. But I will ... View Post
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