I sit on the rock. I gaze out over this beautiful farm. It's been months. I haven't even wanted to venture outside. But today is warm. The wind is blowing and the memories strong. The river rages with the ice cold mountain run off. The expectancy of Spring in the air. It is Holy Week. The culmination of the Season of Lent. These 40 days have gone so quickly. How many days have I been still? I haven't filled a bag in a week. I have failed. My expectations, not met. A goal. Not reached. I have let other things crowd the space. I wonder; what are those ... View Post
Cooking, Cook Books and Grief
I read cook books like they are novels. I love them. Especially ones with pictures. I often just look at the pictures and won't use the recipe. I may glance at the ingredients. I am finicky too. If it has too many ingredients, I won't cook it. My brother on the other hand. He is amazing. He will make fun stuff that tastes so good. Like Hot Weinies, just like the locals make. I need it to be simple, quick; what I have on hand. Mostly I have been a meat and potatoes girl. Lately, I have branched out. It began with ... View Post
Why Do We Hold Our Burdens Tight?
We celebrate my farmer's birthday. The first without Elijah. It is so hard and feels so wrong. We leave the farm. We head to meet Chelsea, Adam and Lilah. We spend time together in a mall. I watch my farmer. What makes my farmer so depressed? Why won't the medicine take effect? It there something metabolically wrong? Something like electrolytes; a quick fix. We go to the doctors. She looks at us. My farmers blood work is good. His body is doing what it should. She tells us what we already know; but forget. We've been through a lot. Grieving ... View Post
We Were Created For More
I gaze at the pictures on the wall. I sometimes wonder if I should take them down. Everywhere I look there are signs of Elijah. And there should be. He was still living. He had no intention of meeting Jesus on July 28. He was expecting to go to a shooting match and then live the rest of his life. He was going to boot camp and we would celebrate his birthday. I was going to write letters to him and fly to South Carolina for his graduation from Boot Camp. But he never made it home. His bed remained empty. And now my heart is ... View Post
Even When I Feel Alone. . . He Is There
They came to the farm. We knew little of what was happening. Never had any idea of the magnitude of the gift. They were there to serve. Quietly. And today. When there is still snow on the ground, when depression's clutches dig deep; when the wind blows causing temperatures to plunge to freezing, we are reminded of the gift. Reminded that the farmer does not have to go each day to forage for wood. It is there. Piled high. It is grace. All wrapped in a beautiful package. When those pieces of love were cut and stacked, there was no diagnosis of cancer. There was just deep heartache and ... View Post
When You’re Behind Before The Day Has Even Started
The dishwasher hums because I forgot to start it last night. The washing machine whirls because for some reason it stopped full of water. Sometimes our water pressure isn't strong enough and it will stop mid cycle. So I start the dishwasher, get the washing machine going. And I already feel behind. There is laundry and a bag to fill. There is quiet to find and bills to pay; children to teach, a farmer to love. We all have the pull of the urgent. The feeling of being behind. We are defeated before we even start. Steven Curtis Chapman's ... View Post
