This is the longest I have ever gone without seeing my son. The longest he has ever been away. We were close that way. He liked being in his own bed. He liked home. I wondered what life for him would be like as a Marine. Today, I just miss him. How can I never see his face again? How can I never feel the stubble of his short hair cut? See the glint in his eye? Watch him wrestle with things of this life? I sit in the sun and try to feel. I want to feel something other than loss. I do feel grateful. Grateful for this amazing community. For their warmth and love ... View Post
The Beat of Time
Time marches on; while I feel stuck. Stuck in a wrestling match. I don't want to move on. I want to hold on with all my might and not make it so. Yet the pull of the seasons force the universe to do it's work. The leaves are already changing. Where did summer go? Between the flooding and the desperate attempt to hay; it has disappeared. We have had many visitors this week. It is wonderful to take time and remember. Cry, laugh. I was not prepared for the knock on the door, or the name the little girls announced. Jon Tymann is at the door. Jon and his wife ... View Post
Why Does God let Bad Things Happen
It seems so unreal. Each morning I wake through a fog. Hoping it isn't so. Hoping the circumstances have changed and the journey is different. But it is not. Commencement an act, instance, or time of commencing. A Beginning. This was the beginning of a new journey for Elijah. He and his classmates have dreams. They are a dedicated and wonderful group. Musical, smart, ambitious, eloquent speakers. They are the future; the next generation. But God allowed the unthinkable, the unimaginable to happen. Now we are a part of a new ... View Post
Doing the Next Thing
Do the next thing. That is what everyone says to do. But right now I don't know what that next thing is. People ask what we need. I don't know what that need is. My mind swirls with family memories. Memories of the last hours of being with Elijah. Wishing he hadn't gone out. Wishing God had intervened. . .and turned the wheel back on the road. My heart and soul hurt. My eyes blink tears constantly. I went for a walk yesterday. I went to the barn. I wanted to be with Gary. We fell in love at the barn. Hours of talking and being ... View Post
Deep Agony
To lose a child is not right. At the funeral Glenn shouted, "It's Not Fair" Today I echo that same feeling. It is not fair. I want my boy back. I want all my babies in the nest. "The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning, It's time to sing your song again." -Matt Redman I don't know the tune to this new song. It's rhythm, unfamiliar. I long to turn back time. I yearn for one more minute; For something to be different. But it is not. And the beat of time marches on. And with that time: I will lift up my eyes to the ... View Post
Doing the Hard Thing
I didn't have to go. And the first time I didn't. But this time was different. There was a need to go. I wanted to see the car. There were things in it that I wanted to collect. But mostly I just wanted to see . . . to know. What exactly I was looking for, I do not know? Some evidence of Elijah. Something someone had missed. Some clue as to how he had spent his final moments on this earth. And once again, I found myself wrapped in peace. And I know it is the power of all those praying. This morning is harder. The ache ... View Post
