Just before I fall asleep I tell my farmer, I don't want to watch him go through chemo and radiation. I watched my mom's journey for 9 years and I have lost my son. I really don't know how much more my heart can take. How can I add more pain to our already broken hearts? I love this farmer with all my heart. He sighs in the quiet and holds me close. There are no need for words. Me the city girl moved to the farm. I think back to the early days of us dating and our marriage. Oh, how little I knew about the farming way. There is still much I do not know; much I do not ... View Post
How The Doors To This Farm House Were Flung Open Wide And Grace Walked In
The doors to this farmhouse were flung open wide yesterday. I hadn't done any planning or baking, or even sent invitations. I had gone to the grave. My Aunt had purchased wreaths from the girls. The shipping to Florida was more than the wreath. So she wanted me give them to someone that might be in need of cheering up this Season. I had decided early on to put one of the wreaths at Elijah's grave. I leaned into the pain. I breathed in deep the fresh air and wrote in the snow; Miss You. Because with every fiber of my being, I do. I head back home. I ... View Post
What Do You Do When Nothing Is Going Right?
The lights twinkle. The kids are playing. Clarissa is at work. It is unusually quiet. It's nice. We are waiting for Gary to come in. It's been that kind of a day. The kind of day where you hold on with all you have. Because it's all about to slip out of your grasp. And I've come to realize, that's really ok. We are learning to hold very loosely to the things of this earth. Our hands remain open, either for removing, or pouring in. These days it seems more for the removing. Yet, I can not see the big picture. Things ... View Post
Remembering Sandy Hook
To touch your face. To hear your voice I listen for sounds on the stair that only you made. I lie in bed and run through the night you died over and over; I sent you a text, I woke at 11 and noticed you still weren't home. . . in those moments you were alive. Those moments threaten to haunt me. I struggle to know the answers. I struggle to find purpose. . .how do you live life without your son? What do you do with the memories? Where do you go when the hurt threatens to engulf? Today is the anniversary of the Sandy Hook shootings. Don't we all remember exactly ... View Post
When Life Isn’t Fair
It's not fair they shout! I'm making them clean up their school books. But I have interrupted their game playing. And they shout at me. Yes, those cute little girls. They shout; it's NOT fair. And I think back to Elijah's funeral and Glenn's proclamation that it isn't fair. Oh how right he was. It's not fair. There is nothing about this journey that's fair. There's nothing fair about my mom having cancer for 9 years and dying at 69. Or the memory thief storming dad's doors in his 50's and setting up permanant camp at 71. It isn't fair that our land flooded and ... View Post
How To Find Peace In The Advent Season When Your Heart Is Breaking
What joy, what peace Has come to us What hope what help what love The day begins with a visit from a stranger; now friend. A shared bond of sons torn from us; so young. Our friendship solidified when my unsolicited membership to the world of grief began. Her visit helps in the steps to move forward in this journey. I hesitate to say heal. This gaping wound may fill in; but the scars will remain, changing our appearance for all time. We talk about hard things. We listen. She, further down the road on this journey. Still a mama with her flesh and bones ... View Post
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