5 months. Half the time I carried you. Long enough for your niece to be born, seasons to change, your father to have cancer and our hearts to break. Each step forward feels like an eternity; a conscious effort; an act of the will to live without a piece of you. The desire for the world to stop; because something is so dreadfully not right. 5 months. Almost half a year. It doesn't seem possible. Sometimes in this life we are called to hard steps. The journey rough and unforgiving. Finding sure footing is imperative. As we walk this ... View Post
Radiation And The Bat Cave Wall
They put on the mask and clip it to the table. He lies there so still. I touch his leg and pray. Red beams emit from the wall as they align the marks. The radiation is very specific. I swallow as they get everything prepared. We leave the room and a door closes; almost like the bat cave wall. Thick; protecting us all. But what about him? We are able to see him on the monitor. And I choke back the sobs that threaten to come. How can this be? Why do parents have to watch their kids endure this? Why do I have endure this? I ... View Post
Instead Of Drinking My Coffee In Front Of The Fire, I Will Drink It At The Hospital
I don't want to leave. I want curl up by the fire with my coffee and read. I want to hold that sweet Lilah and listen to her coo. I want to bake or do anything than deal with cancer and living without our son. I pack the bag to have ready. Snacks, water. The bag a dear friends thought about to meet our needs. It will be a long day. Radiation and chemo. . .every Friday. The kids are coming. They will see the radiation and infusion areas. I prepare for their questions and the impending side effects. The nurses assure us, this will be the week. He is far enough in. I have ... View Post
Grace That Visits Your Door, When Your Heart Is Breaking On Christmas Day
I don't want to say we made it through the day. But we did. How do you celebrate Christmas with your 17 year old son buried deep beneath the winter snow? How do you breathe in and out missing a part of you? How do you look at stockings and open presents; when your heart is shattered into a millions fragments. My boy is gone. And I miss him so much. But he has gone where Angels trod. The same Angels that proclaimed the birth of the Most High, The same Angels that declared that He is Risen. His work finished, here on this ... View Post
His Stocking is Empty, But the Manger Isn’t; Finding Christmas Joy
His stocking is empty. The stocking I made to match with our farm boy. A stocking I have filled for 17 precious years. Stockings that were 4 and then became 8 and this year would have been 9. But after 17 years. It is empty. It hangs limp, while all the others burst from the seams; awaiting their precious owners. But it's not about the stockings, or the tree. It's not about the presents; but His presence. And as I stepped outside this morning, the heavens declared their Majesty. The moon and the stars in all their bright, glory rang out the song that, Jesus is ... View Post
A Birthday On The Holiest Of Nights
It was such a clear, cold night. The stars shone brightly. I couldn't sleep. Moon beams streamed through the window. I wondered what Mary, the mother of our Savior, thought about. How did she feel? Did her feet swell on the way to Bethlehem. How did she make that journey, so with child? What was she thinking? I pondered these things as I was heavy with child; as I mourned the loss of my Mother in Law. I pondered these things during Advent as my time grew near. I wondered. On the night before the celebration of the birth of the Savior ... View Post
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