Shes asks me a question.
We talk about Elijah.
Strangely it feels good.
I want to talk about him.
I know people shy away; tired of the grief.
Desire surer footing.
My roller coaster of emotions not their cup of tea.
Yet, the ache continues and the loss deep.
My son.
I read through old posts.
Posts from the days of shock and fog.
How hard this road is .
Yet how quickly we’re expected to move on.
To appear normal.
To assume the path,
as if nothing has changed.
Yet, for me everything has changed.
Setting the table, the folding clothes, cleaning, family photos, doing payroll-
I still have his handwritten note of his hours 7/27-the last day he was here.
She asks more questions.
I think about that night.
It’s hard for me.
As I sat in the chair.
In the dark.
All alone.
My farmer and Cedric had gone to milk the cows.
Because with a farm you can’t stop.
The world doesn’t stop just because your son is never coming home.
I stepped one foot in front of the other into Praise.
Thank you God for my legs that are moving.
Thank you for the shower handles and the hot water.
And on and on for days, until this very moment.
Praising God for who He is.
Because when there’s nothing else, it’s all we have.
We were created for life.
Not death.
God’s plan in the Garden was life.
Abundant Life.
But he gave us a choice.
And that choice gave us the freedom to sin.
And choices were made and the good and the perfect were marred.
But He didn’t leave us there.
Because He loves us.
He gave us a way out.
He made a way-
Giving His son so we could live.
And he knows the ache of losing a son.
And he knows the pain of searing loss.
Yet, He did it anyway.
30 Days of Thankfulness
I am thankful for:
Having our son for 17 years
A God who has never left my side
For days to seek Him and do His work
For friends and family
For a farm boy working his way through these difficult days
my farmer who never gives up
snow days
Hot coffee
The Ancient Word
Quiet Reflections in the morning
The way deep gratitude changes me
A Savior that loves me more than I could ever imagine
these practices that lead me closer to God
laughter and tears
my mom who never shied away from emotions or her faith
