The changes keep coming.
I want time to breathe deep.
To surrender all the pain.
To reconcile the new.
There’s no time.
One after the other they have come.
Our parents home has sold.
The closing in the next few days.
I remember my mom sitting on her screened in porch.
Reading.
She loved that porch.
A new family will take ownership.
They will create their own memories.
They will decorate and plant plants.
They will store items in the shed my dad built.
The gathering place.
I honestly don’t know what to feel.
It will be 5 years since this whirl wind started.
5 years that our oldest got married.
5 years since mom left this world.
4 years since our boy walked this earth.
A 5 year plan I would never have chosen.
But here I am.
Living through another change.
I feel weary and afraid of emotions.
Our son just graduated from High School.
So many memories.
My mom never saw any of my children graduate.
She will not see any of her grandchildren graduate.
My soul yearns to wallow in this place.
I’m tired of the changes.
I feel often on the cusp of tears.
I can’t catch my breath.
Somehow I feel as if it’s been too much.
The farm pulls and needs attention.
Cows and calves.
Machinery.
Book work.
All requiring time.
Kids.
My farmer.
All needing time.
In a family chat; everyone talks about wanting time together.
I think on that.
Time.
How am I using the time I have?
Am I choosing the best way?
Have I lost my sense of margin?
Today.
I seize the day.
I clean the Guest House.
Complete paperwork for the deed of my parents home.
I then withdraw.
To a quiet place.
A space I need.
Luke 5:16
But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.
Jesus knew the importance of recharging.
He knew the strength He would need for the days to come.
Each of us needs time to recharge.
To withdraw to the lonely place.
Change is inevitable.
Life will be unpredictable and challenging.
God has given us the tools to walk these difficult roads.
He takes the pain and the unexpected and he walks you through.
He is refining and re-purposing us .
There is much to learn in this time.
It is easy to fight and recoil from the lessons.
God wants us to lean in so He can do His work.
Display His majesty.
I am not ready for this change.
But it will come.
I will continue to withdraw and recharge.
I will seek to find the holy in all that comes our way.
Isaiah 43:18
Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.
A courageous and resounding post, dear Tammy. I thank God for His faithfulness to us… And yours to Him. Love and prayers, Your Sister-in-Christ in the Midwest.
As always. Thank you for your support and encouragement dear one. We journey through this life hoping to impact others from our experiences.
Tammy, your elequent but transparent and heart wrenching post touched me so. But God. He is our rest and stable place and He never changes as you say. I’m 69, in my 7th year now and so many chsnges. We just sold the house in Swanton, but to Petes son Adam. It will become what they want it to be now. That’s a good thing. We are looking to pass the baton in the next 5- ??? Years as the Lord leads, not retirement but change…my spiritual family is always changing. One precious soul who discovers God and begins to believe and begins the transformation. We get to see some of the metamorphosis and then they fly away to another facility or are released to another town. I feel like my heart is in hundreds of places as the memories surface and I pray for them. It’s a humbling and incredible privelege but sometimes so hard and painful. Another previous one getting a long federal sentence in July…tears falling as I write…I love your spirit Tammy, courageous one moment and melting another, but so thankful we can melt into the arms of our Savior!.
Ah, Jo. Such a beautiful heart you render. .. a heart I have sought to model after. You stand in hope, seek fervently the will of God and share with unending joy. Thank you for that witness. It is a joy.