I needed a reminder today. A reminder to trust and rest, because sometimes the moments are all ok, and sometimes they are not. . . They hurt and it feels like there’s no place to go with that hurt. People don’t want to hear it. It’s been years, so one should be over it. But honestly. . . there’s no ‘getting over’ the loss of your child. And there it is. The pain rears. The struggles around the farm weigh down. . . I run to the only place that brings me strength. Straight to the solid ground. Straight to the Ancient Word. And then I read this from March 12, 2013 and I remember, to trust the process. We need to lean into the struggle and let God do the work He intends. He will change us. He will never let us go.
It’s still there.
I breathe in deep.
Just a hint of his smell.
I hold his pillow.
I lay my cheek on the softness.
I rock back and forth.
I linger in the memories.
It’s the missing that can consume.
A desire around the pain.
Any way but through.
The wanting to hear his voice; call me mom.
A desire around the pain.
Any way but through.
The wanting to hear his voice; call me mom.
We sit at the dinner table. We light his candle.
We just miss him so much.
And at some point you have to just stop the missing.
Because He’s not coming back.
All the uncomfortable shouts at us.
Cedric balks at going to summer camp.
His sister asks him 5 good reasons.
He gives us 1.
The day he came back from camp was the day his brother died.
He never saw his brother when he returned.
He didn’t need to give us any others.
These are the unexpected pieces of pain.
They are raw, subtle, chafing.
We talk about grace and seeing God’s goodness.
I think of all the ways He has provided for our family through this rough season.
They are too numerous to count.
Even today. A gift in the mail.
How would they know parts ordered for the swinger would leave us undone.
Would cause us to wonder what we’re doing.
Would do nothing to alleviate the farmers walk in the dark pit.
We have one step forward, too many to count backwards.
And there it was.
In the mail.
Unknown giver.
Blessed receiver.
It’s the way of the cross. Grace given, Mercy received.
All because we are loved.
A gift for all Humanity.
Nothing earned.
All given.
Just because.
He first loved.1 John 4:19
We love because he first loved us.
I think of all the ways He has provided for our family through this rough season.
They are too numerous to count.
Even today. A gift in the mail.
How would they know parts ordered for the swinger would leave us undone.
Would cause us to wonder what we’re doing.
Would do nothing to alleviate the farmers walk in the dark pit.
We have one step forward, too many to count backwards.
And there it was.
In the mail.
Unknown giver.
Blessed receiver.
It’s the way of the cross. Grace given, Mercy received.
All because we are loved.
A gift for all Humanity.
Nothing earned.
All given.
Just because.
He first loved.1 John 4:19
We love because he first loved us.
((((Hugs)))).