My Red Headed, Hot Tempered, Handsome Boy Would be 22 Today

Psalm 31:8
The LORD says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you.

 

He’d be 22 today.
His Birthday.

My red headed, hot tempered, handsome boy.

The boy who made me a mom.
The boy I prayed over as I had lost our previous baby.

I wonder.
I wonder what he’d be doing and what he’d be like.
I am sure the rough edges would be softened.

But these are not for me to know or experience.
His journey was completed on July 28, 2013.
Since then I have journeyed a road I did not ask for or pray for.
I have walked in faith.
I have trusted with everything in my being.
I have knelt when I could no longer stand.
I have cried out to the Author and Creator of the Universe.
I have longed for there to be any other way.

But there is not.
There is only one way through.
The way to the other side.

He has now spent 5 birthdays in heaven.

I still don’t know what to do on this day.
I try to spend much of the day in gratitude for the time I had.
Days of joy and fullness.
Health and fun.
These, I know, were gifts.
But it’s a day to celebrate and there’s no one to celebrate.
These are the steps of the grief walk that are hard.
The silent days. 
The days that only you remember.
The days the ache is so real.
The day you gave birth.
The day your life changed forever.
The day I became a mom.
The day all the hopes and dreams pushed and pulled into a reality.
A living, breathing, bundle of life.
Changed forever.

There is laundry and vacuuming.
There is book work, baking, and farm chores.
All to fill the day.
Something to do to keep moving on,

We all need to keep moving on.
Moving forward no matter the struggle. 
The purpose planned for our days is unfolding.
We need to be rooted in the Ancient Word; quiet before Him in His presence.
God meets us there. 
Longing to share the way forward. 

This day I am leaning.
Leaning into strength I do not have.
Seeking beauty with eyes that do not see.
Watching for ways to be all I can be.

The day is beginning.
Elijah’s 22 birthday.
We won’t sing, or open presents.
I will remember.
I will treasure the gift of time I had with him.

He is celebrating in a way we can’t ever imagine.

I am walking in truth each day.
Standing on Promises that stand the test of time.

My heart breaks a little more each day without our son.
There are mornings when I wake that the full impact of the loss washes over me.
Those days take work to push through.
A conscious effort to focus on the Author of Life; on our purpose here.
There is a purpose.
A grand purpose.
Each day we wake to seek and dig for that purpose.

I will remember well, the days I had with Elijah.
When our family looked different.

I will also look forward to the day when I will meet my Savior face to face; when all will be made right.

Until then,
Elijah, I wish you the happiest of Birthdays in heaven.

I miss you so much.
Each and every day you are on my mind and in my heart.
I think of you a hundred times a day wondering what you would think of something or I long to spar with you one more time.
I am remembering you today.
I am thanking God for the time I had with you.

I am re posting this song as I cling to the Hope given for all.
If you don’t know that hope, contact us, talk to someone.
If you do know that hope, live today so that all may see.

http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBg9jHQtE44