I don't want to leave. I want curl up by the fire with my coffee and read. I want to hold that sweet Lilah and listen to her coo. I want to bake or do anything than deal with cancer and living without our son. I pack the bag to have ready. Snacks, water. The bag a dear friends thought about to meet our needs. It will be a long day. Radiation and chemo. . .every Friday. The kids are coming. They will see the radiation and infusion areas. I prepare for their questions and the impending side effects. The nurses assure us, this will be the week. He is far enough in. I have ... View Post
What Cancer Cannot Do and What God Has Already Done; The Angels Brought Tidings Of Great Joy
He had just sat down to rest. Lately this rarely happens. There are so many fires to put out that resting has not been a luxury. After two days of radiation and one day of chemo, my farmer was sitting down. Cedric brings in a package. There are always parts and supplies being delivered. Yet, this was from our long time friends Donna and Harold. Elijah's God parents. Donna had sent a note early on when Gary was diagnosed and found he needed chemo and radiation. She thought he might like a quilt. A quilt to wrap in ... View Post
Sometimes We Just Need A Time Out
I have only been home for about an hour and I can start to feel it. The counters are a mess. There is laundry everywhere. Food needs to be put away; the dish drainer emptied. The kids have left their backpacks on the bench and violins and costumes for the upcoming performance. I have been at the hospital all day and coming home to a mess and uncooperative kids is. . .well, it's just normal. They are kids. They've been in school all day and then came home; and they are on vacation and the last thing they are thinking about are the messes. And that's good. They should ... View Post
What A Diner, Radiation and Errands Can Do For Your Marriage
We arrive early. Yes, we were early. Gary assured the attendant at the desk that this would never happen again. We choose our seats. It is still quiet in this place. We gaze around the room. We are surprised to see a fully decorated Christmas Tree AND a table full of goodies. Crackers and cheese. Various Christmas delicacies. This is our welcome to Day #1 of radiation. They call Gary. He has a plate of food. They ask him if he wants them to come and get him later. He pauses. I assure them that we want him to go. . . now. He ... View Post
When What Looms Ahead, Seems Insurmountable
Just before I fall asleep I tell my farmer, I don't want to watch him go through chemo and radiation. I watched my mom's journey for 9 years and I have lost my son. I really don't know how much more my heart can take. How can I add more pain to our already broken hearts? I love this farmer with all my heart. He sighs in the quiet and holds me close. There are no need for words. Me the city girl moved to the farm. I think back to the early days of us dating and our marriage. Oh, how little I knew about the farming way. There is still much I do not know; much I do not ... View Post
How Worry Is NOT My Constant Companion
Today we head to the hospital. The questions we have had; answered. The preparation for chemo and radiation will begin. I do not know what this journey will hold. My spirit is weary with grieving. Yet in my weariness, as I pass the pole, I see someone has placed a cross. I am later told it was Alaria, Elijah's girlfriends sister. My weariness is from the unknown. But worry has not been my companion. Great sorrow, deep agony; Yes, they follow me. But worry has fled in the face of peace. Because peace has also been my faithful and constant ... View Post
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