Will this ever be easy? Will waiting for the children to come home ever feel safe again? I hold my breath. I feel tense. My spirit unsettled. Waiting. For the axe to drop. Anticipating the negative. Icy cold fear. It creeps in. Slowly. While you're not aware. It is there. Gripping. Choking. The dawn will come and it will be 23 months since my boy walked the face of this earth. 23 months since I have felt normal, It has been 23 months of putting one foot in front of the ... View Post
When Your Prayers Aren’t Answered. . . The Way You Wanted
I wake to overcast skies. The dreariness overwhelming. I blink back the tears that threaten to spill over. The pull to stay in bed; real. I dig for the Praises. I begin to name them one by one. There really are so many. I seek to push through. It's the only way. I read my journey of this day last year. June 2, 2014. My heart gains courage. I step into the kitchen. It is so cold. I grab a steaming (literally) cup of coffee and settle on to the couch wrapped in flannel pajama's and a shining hope. I begin to peck out my ... View Post
Raising My Ebenezer
The smell intoxicating. I never knew how much those lilacs would come to mean to me. The years visiting my mother and father in law's grave. Breathing the deep scent. Now as I sit here at my sons grave, the tears flow and the ache gnaws away; the heady scent is refreshing; comforting. For each moment needs to be turned to Praise. Because we are a people created to praise. To give glory and honor to the One who created all. It's strange to sit at your sons grave, in a century old cemetery and seek praise. But that's what I do. I give praise and thanks in the ... View Post
Let The Storms Rage Around You
Twisting, turning, boiling. The chaos swirls around. A child testing all authority. A friend in a health crisis. My mom's birthday. Laundry, dishes. Friction in the home. Graduation looming. Memories that bring searing pain. So many things to pull me under. So many distractions to draw my focus from the One answer. Deep grief weighing heavily. Change on the horizon. So much change. I can not quiet the raging pace of life. I can not control the responses of all around ... View Post
Time Marches On
Her future. Before her. So exciting. Student accepted day. College. Questions. Trying to decide. Which school is the best. All this. When it's been 20 months. 20 months since he last drew a breath. 20 months since our world seemed right. And now she, my daughter, on the edge of the beginning. The emotions swirl. Torment, yet excitement. I can not forsake one because my heart longs for the other. The speed increases. My mind can not keep ... View Post
When You’re Behind Before the Day Begins (A re-post)
Between feeling behind and working hard to choose joy, I was reminded of this post from last year. I was filling a bag a day. Everything we do matters. Each activity is holy in and of itself. May your day rest in this glory of knowing your work is holy. ------------------------------------------------------------ March 18, 2014 When You're Behind Before the Day Begins The dishwasher hums because I forgot to start it last night. The washing machine whirls because for some reason it stopped full of water. Sometimes our water pressure isn't ... View Post
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