How can you be gone? I look at your picture, I want to see you so badly. I want to turn back time, change anything I can. I yearn for this to not be. I long to hear you call me mom. I walk into your room. I just stand there looking around. I remember your crib and then your big boy bed. I remember when Cedric needed to share the room and how angry you were. I think back to the time Caleb gave you your first Lacrosse stick. I want to hear how things are and chat. You're my first born. My boy, my Lijy. It's just so not fair. My heart just can't take it ... View Post
Why Is Alternative Medicine So Frowned Upon? . . . Day #21 of Thankfulness
Alternative Medicine. What do we know about it? Why is it so poo poo'd in the Medical Community? If there are advances made with less invasive practices, why are we not applauding and supporting these wonderful insights? Why did my insurance coverage tell me that I could not give my son the prescribed medicine from the doctor; they would not cover it, it had to be a different medicine. The medicine made him dizzy and feel weird. This doesn't make sense. My doctor, who knows my son, knows what he needs, is not able to make the decisions of best care for my child. . .the ... View Post
When The Wind Blows And The House Shakes. . . Day #19 of Thankfulness
Some nights I think the wind will blow this old farmhouse right to the ground. With every gust the shutters rattle; windows shiver. There are stress lines in rooms without wallpaper that show the give and take. The history this home has seen. Love, worn deep into the banister from hands through the years. Grooves in the wood floor, from the farmers path every morning and evening, over decades. Love worn right through the couches and most everything in this home. The door to this home, wide open, for generations. And the night of the wake for our son, ... View Post
Where Do You Go On A Rainy Day?. . . Day # 18 of Thankfulness
The afternoon had been full of visitors. Gary's cousin, sharing alternative cancer treatments. A friend leaving for Antarctica. Dinner delivered to the door. Others stop too, to visit with the farmer. Bags still to be unpacked. I am tired. We sit for dinner and I sit in a different seat. I try to understand this new normal. For some reason, within my soul, rises a desire to scream. I want to holler that this isn't fair. I want my boy back. I don't want my husband to have cancer. I don't want to think about radiation and chemo ... View Post
A different Perspective, And Spending Time Away With Family . .Day #17 of Thankfulness
She says it at the table where we are dining. We have been given an overnight, away from chores, away from breakdowns and dead cows, away from the tyrany of the urgent. I ask if everyone thinks Elijah would have liked this? Cedric says, "Yeah". And that Ella says, yeah; but we wouldn't be here if he was. It stops me short. And I think of all the things we have done. All the ways in which people have been holding us up. If Elijah were here we wouldn't be so desperately exhausted, overwhelmed and on the edge. Our hearts wouldn't feel like ... View Post
A Farming Family. . . Day #16 of Thankfulness
This farm has been in Gary's family since the early 40's. That is more than 70 years of history. I sometimes wonder what it was like back then. What did Papa Cedric say to Grandma Davis when they bought this place? Papa Cedric never lived here. Taken too soon by a brain tumor. Grandma Effie forging a life without her beloved. 2 family members I never met. 2 family members our son rejoices with these days. The family started on the hill. Where there was no electricity or plumbing. She birthed 7 children; a set of twins. (One of which ... View Post
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