The gloomy feeling wouldn't leave. No matter how I tried. It had set up residence in my heart. Even though the scans are clear, even though we're dealing with a localized cancer; I couldn't shake the gloom.I praised God for the things I had, I read the Word. I spent some quiet time with God. But to no avail. The darkness was here to stay. In moments like this, it takes all one has to push through. To plod one foot in front of the other. The ache in my heart for that which I can not have, radiation, chemo, trips to Burlington, mounting chores, bills; the list goes on and on. The ... View Post
When The Wind Blows And The House Shakes. . . Day #19 of Thankfulness
Some nights I think the wind will blow this old farmhouse right to the ground. With every gust the shutters rattle; windows shiver. There are stress lines in rooms without wallpaper that show the give and take. The history this home has seen. Love, worn deep into the banister from hands through the years. Grooves in the wood floor, from the farmers path every morning and evening, over decades. Love worn right through the couches and most everything in this home. The door to this home, wide open, for generations. And the night of the wake for our son, ... View Post
Where Do You Go On A Rainy Day?. . . Day # 18 of Thankfulness
The afternoon had been full of visitors. Gary's cousin, sharing alternative cancer treatments. A friend leaving for Antarctica. Dinner delivered to the door. Others stop too, to visit with the farmer. Bags still to be unpacked. I am tired. We sit for dinner and I sit in a different seat. I try to understand this new normal. For some reason, within my soul, rises a desire to scream. I want to holler that this isn't fair. I want my boy back. I don't want my husband to have cancer. I don't want to think about radiation and chemo ... View Post
A different Perspective, And Spending Time Away With Family . .Day #17 of Thankfulness
She says it at the table where we are dining. We have been given an overnight, away from chores, away from breakdowns and dead cows, away from the tyrany of the urgent. I ask if everyone thinks Elijah would have liked this? Cedric says, "Yeah". And that Ella says, yeah; but we wouldn't be here if he was. It stops me short. And I think of all the things we have done. All the ways in which people have been holding us up. If Elijah were here we wouldn't be so desperately exhausted, overwhelmed and on the edge. Our hearts wouldn't feel like ... View Post
A Farming Family. . . Day #16 of Thankfulness
This farm has been in Gary's family since the early 40's. That is more than 70 years of history. I sometimes wonder what it was like back then. What did Papa Cedric say to Grandma Davis when they bought this place? Papa Cedric never lived here. Taken too soon by a brain tumor. Grandma Effie forging a life without her beloved. 2 family members I never met. 2 family members our son rejoices with these days. The family started on the hill. Where there was no electricity or plumbing. She birthed 7 children; a set of twins. (One of which ... View Post
I Want To Finish Well. . .Day #15 of Thankfulness
I stand at his grave. The tears don't come. In some ways it is hard to feel. I just miss him. So much. I bend down and touch the flowers. They were placed on the birthday of the Marines. Left by those that miss him too. Why is it that we want what we can not have? Why does our soul long for things out of reach? We are restless. A people still wandering in the desert; the promised land within reach. Obedience is too difficult. Surrender, foreign to our me centered lives. Philippians 1:21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is ... View Post
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