Oh how the earth of this farm longs for the boy to walk in its cool grass. To gaze upon its meadows. There is a silence A stillness. One that aches if left too long The river cries for her boy.  Wading and exploring have ceased. How the woods echo with the laughter of years of exploration, created towns and air soft wars.  How does a farm grieve the loss of a beloved son? There is a hush over the barn where the boy and friends once hung from rafters, played hide and seek in the bales and searched for newborn kittens. Gone are the wee morning hour walks with Father ... View Post

The sun is shining. Its streaks illuminate my space.  Shadows dance as the breeze plays with the leaves. It is almost 90 degrees out today.  Unseasonably warm. I wait to feel the warmth.  My soul longs for relief from this grief. I run to the LORD. A repeat of yesterday is not part of the plan.  The site where Elijah met Jesus is littered with flowers long gone by.  The area needs to be cleaned. I don't want to. It reminds me that time is moving on. I wait to do this task. When I finally do, I am met with the sweetest of  grace.  A friend, ... View Post

Dear God,      I find myself in a deep place today. My first thoughts are usually to bring praise and Glory to your name. It is the habit established for more than 20 years now. My first thoughts when my eyes flutter open are to praise you. . .no matter how I feel. Today. . .I opened my eyes and pushed through the raw grief; the weight that threatens to engulf. I look for you. It is rainy and dark out. I know this day will be a struggle. I cry for this all to not be. I am weary and worn.          There are so many holding us up and we are so grateful ... View Post

What do you do with the book you find; given to Elijah from Nana on the event of Clarissa's birth? For a moment your heart skips. . .and you are brought back to that day. You can hear the sounds. You can hear your moms voice. You can see your sons excitement over a present. He loved books. Now they both call heaven their home. Only 7 months apart. And the ache is deep. I am still mourning my mom. . . And now I grieve the loss of our son. . . Today was a tough day. I miss my boy. Yet it was beautiful out. And I went for a walk.  And I met a friend on her way home from work and she ... View Post

There is a threshold I have. It isn't very high. Things that used to energize me. . . Exhaust me. I find myself very distracted.  Hard to stay focused on anything for very long. (Ok, that is not a new problem) I try to make sense of all that has happened.  And I can't. And I don't want it to be. It's been six weeks since I have seen you. Six weeks since my world changed forever. Six weeks of clinging every moment to what I know and believe. Six weeks of driving by the place you drew your last breath; your last moments that I didn't share. And I still cry out to God. . ... View Post