I had a different post in mind for today. Yet, this one seemed to say more of my thoughts today. Remembering. The journey after losing your mom is quite the dance. It is deep breaths and sunny days. It is prayer and remembering. It is bitter tears and missing. It is all these things. Miss you Mom. Here is a re-post from May 7, 2016.
Dear Mom,
So many times I have picked up the phone to call.
My heart hurts missing Elijah.
Yet you reign with him on high.
It was April vacation.
I missed our time together.
It was always so much warmer at your house.
Such a perfect time to be away.
We would sit on your screened in porch.
How you loved that addition to your home.
We’d drink coffee and argue.
Goodness we never could see eye to eye on very much;
except our love for our Lord.
I went to a family baby shower.
Your presence missed so much.
You just had an air about you that made a party.
I took a walk with a friend.
She shared part of her to do list.
Buying flowers for her mom.
I remember the last time I sent you flowers.
I know there’s a picture in one of your albums.
Your Birthday and Mother’s Day only days apart.
I called to order you flowers.
Our hometown florist.
Folks you went to school with.
She asked me what to put on the card.
I couldn’t speak.
I started to cry.
I didn’t know how long you would live.
Cancer had been your companion for 9 years.
I couldn’t pull myself together.
I felt so foolish.
Remembering.
Remembering.
When I gained composure,
I said, ” Happy Mother’s Day, Love Gary, Tammy and the kids.”
And that was that.
The last time I would send you Mother’s Day flowers.
2012.
Now, I need to head to your home.
Remembering.
Remembering.
To take all the memories and store them in other places.
Oh, there are so many.
How you loved life.
Even your cancer could not, would not, destroy your joy.
Photo Albums showing the legacy of the life you lived.
Embracing moments.
Capturing events forever.
These are the hardest to sift through.
What do we do with the life time of memories?
Today dawned beautiful again.
After days of dreary weather, it has been wonderful to see the sunshine.
The college girl will be coming home next week.
Her freshman year finished.
She’s changed though.
Divided.
This place no longer holds her.
She’s changing and growing into the woman God has called her.
She won’t be home for Mother’s Day.
I don’t want that to affect me.
I have had the gift of being a mom.
A joy for which I am eternally grateful.
A longing in my heart; given.
Many times.
I miss you mom.
