Sometimes, It’s Really Not Fair

The email pops up.

It’s your birthday take $25 off your order. 

My mind racks. 

Whose birthday?

I look. 
He rarely used his e-mail for anything.
He used mine. 

My stomach lurches.

The reminders painful. 

I try to remember to breathe. 

I can’t hold my breath each time; each time there is a reminder. 

Death is permanent. 

What’s on the other side is eternal. 

But here, this side of eternity; it’s permanent. 

And it will tear you apart. 

The missing reaches into places you never knew existed. 

It can twist and turn until you’re in knots. 

That which you can never, ever have. 

Him whom you bore 9 months. 

Watched walk across the stage to receive his diploma.

So handsome.
So full of hopes and dreams.

The beginning of a new journey. 

Commencement. 

Yet it was his ending. 

Isaiah 40:8
The grass withers and the flowers fade,
    but the word of our God stands forever.

I am left here to step forward. 

To redesign my walk. 

Yet I stumble and I hit a wall. 

So, this day. 

I will cry. 

I will say it’s not fair.

I will shout for anyone who wants to hear that driving by the bank every day IS HARD. 

Yet, I won’t stay there. 

I will say thank you every time I drive by there.

Someone has so faithfully placed plants and cut the grass back.

The flags have been replaced and the old ones delivered respectfully to me. 

All the hope and loss wrapped in a package.
The steps through this journey purposeful.
Seeking.
Hoping. 
Holding tightly.
Where are you today?
How are you walking through your journey?