Show Me How What I Wanted Isn’t Best For Me

It was Early Sunday Morning his Spirit left his earthly body. 

In the wee hours.
While the night was still dark. 

While I slept. 

My boy left this earth.

The shock of those days have lessened. 

They still fill me with a sickening feeling when I think of them. 

There is much I still do not know about that time. 

I can’t. 

It was Sunday morning when the heaven’s declared God’s majesty.

Oh how our hearts ache.
We long for this to be a bad dream.
I want something I can never have.
Each morning I wrestle with the knowledge that Elijah will never come home. 
His room, still the same as the day he left.
Some clothes I can’t bear to move.
Sometimes I feel stuck.
Like, if I wait long enough, things will change.
He will come home. 
So the struggle becomes the journey.
My soul needs to be recharged.
Refocused.
This is a daily task.
Sometimes moment by moment.
My heart hurts.
My family different.
There will always be a space.
Someone missing.
It will consume and over power me if I let it.
The negative thoughts, the pain.
I breathe deep. 
My prayer has become, “show me Lord .”


Psalm 5:8
Lead me, LORD, in your righteousness because of my enemies– 
make your way straight before me.

Show me how to live this way.
Show me how what I wanted, wasn’t best for me.
Change my heart. 
Show me where my steps should travel.
Place before me the folks I need to touch;
the folks that my soul needs.
God will equip me for the rest of this life’s journey.
I will rest in the hope of a risen Savior.
I will cling to the Ancient Word.
 I find peace in the moment. 


Psalm 91:11
For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;