Even though the sun was shining I felt off.
The whole day.
Tears flowed no matter where I turned.
A heaviness seemed to have settled and I couldn’t push it off.
The weight of all the troubles here seemed insurmountable.
Gratitude felt trite and pious.
It was a beautiful day.
Sun shining in every window.
Yet it did nothing to stir my soul.
It did nothing to change my mood or lift the crushing weight of sadness and heaviness.
I puttered through the house trying to tackle the huge list that has accumulated.
The mudroom clutter grew as I became frustrated with the mitten bureau and spewed those contents to the already cluttered floor.
The baking and meal prep for the week sat untouched.
Everything seemed overwhelming or daunting and tears continued to flow.
I cried for no apparent reason.
I couldn’t pin point one thing.
Maybe I just needed a day.
Or maybe I cried for the mom in CT whose son #Ericstrong is in a coma fighting for his life.
Maybe I cried for family members whose marriages are crumbling and breaking my heart.
Maybe I cried for dear friends who are moving away.
Maybe it was for the holiday season that I love so much but miss my parents and son.
Maybe because farming is so hard right now and our future is so uncertain and scary.
What ever it was, it was heavy and uncomfortable.
I wanted to retreat, but there were still people to interact with and business to attend to.
Grief is a funny thing.
It has no boundaries.
It respects no person or situation.
The weight can crush.
There is no way but through.
So maybe it was ok to just not be ok for the day.
It’s not a place to stay and camp out.
But maybe it was ok. for the day.
I didn’t handle it well.
It’s been a long time since I felt so sad.
I tried to fight it.
I kept telling myself to pull out of it.
I tried to praise God.
I couldn’t focus.
I tried to read and write.
Until. . .
A friend of the girls comes home from college and stops in to say hi.
Amidst the cluttered floor in the mudroom. . . the piles that haven’t been touched.
He comes and heads off to surprise the youngest.
And the ache and heaviness begins to crack.
Until Jesus returns we’re going to have bad days.
Some days are just going to hurt and be hard.
I can’t change the way yesterday was.
I can’t get back the time and my to do list has now doubled.
But I can rest in knowing that God was there even in the struggle.
Even though I couldn’t feel him.
He was there.
My pain has purpose.
I may not understand this side of eternity.
But it has purpose.
The sun is not shining today.
It feels like this would have been a more appropriate day to feel as I did.
Strange how life plays out.
3o days of Thankfulness
I am thankful for:
A hot cup of coffee
A phone call from my farmer
lessons learned on the hard day
surprise visits from college students
the rhythm of farm life
this old farmhouse
friends who encourage me