It is the afternoon and I am restless. I get this way sometimes. The enormity of the loss overpowering. I just don't want to think. I pray and remember the promises; God will never leave us nor forsake us. But the afternoon threatens to engulf. So I head to the barn to see (Ahem, supervise) those boys. They have so much finished in one day. Probably because they don't stop. I asked if they were coming in for lunch and they were all like, as my son says, "I ain't got time for that." So, I send food up to them. And then I head to check on them. The ... View Post
Making Soup, Grief and Faithful God
I strive for normalcy. I cook the ground beef. I make soup. My farmer loves soup, and I don't make it enough. The smells permeate the air. The warmth eleveates the chill. Soup will be good today. I walk down cellar to put away some groceries. Out of the corner of my eye, I see his barn coat. I linger there. The familiar companion of grief awakes. I swallow hard. I reach in the pockets hoping to find something. Something to connect me to him. So many mornings in that coat. I groan, how can this be? I am so powerless to change it. Everything so final. Never again. Oh how I ... View Post
I Wonder What This Day Will Hold
Each day seems to have it's own rhythm. It is not one I create anymore. I have never been one to have lists. Yet each day flowed. Now, it is different. As I press through the waking and the realization of a new day, I force my way to the coffee. (Ok forcing my way to coffee is a stretch, but the hard reality of the awake is agony) And then to God's Word. I wonder what this day will hold. It is hard to think. It is hard to focus. There is so much that needs to be done. I Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. The weather has been beautiful. Warm, ... View Post
Farm Living Without Your Oldest Son
The night Elijah went home to be with the LORD. His bed remained empty. . . and for 10 weeks now that hasn't changed. 10 weeks of leaning against the door frame, breathing in his scent, wondering how this can be. . . How can my son really be gone? 10 weeks of hoping to wake from this nightmare. It was his morning to help with chores. Gary did them alone. There was no power, so he had to hook up the generator. . .by himself. But, that was the only day. For weeks now, friends and family have risen in the early hours to ... View Post
Date Night
Oh how we longed for the phone call. (yes on a phone. . .with a cord) We did have answering machines. . .but you knew they would call; and it made you excited. Each moment was like a breath of fresh air. New relationships are like that. I would sit with Gary for hours just talking or sitting in silence (he liked that a lot. . .me, not so much). It was just being together that was important. We went for walks in the pasture. . .we sat on the hill and watched the sun sinking low. Often in silence (he liked that. . ... View Post
