The water pours in the end of the freestall barn. The beds are soaked. Not one cow will want those stalls. They will become like concrete. The fuel runs out in the tenants house. A mistake made. The feed is poor quality so the cows are dropping in milk. The bills remain the same. On top of that it snowed and the sun never showed it's face. Really there is no relief in sight; another storm predicted for this weekend. It's almost April. And I wonder why the farmer is depressed? I can feel it deep down. I am going to ... View Post
A Beautiful Place To Be
It washes over me like a wave. He's gone. I have to take the older kids to the doctor for their sports physicals. We're in the car. A familiar song comes on. They turn up the volume. We rock to the music and sing. My heart constricts. He loved this song. He loved music. We listened to so much music.He made music. And now; He's gone. My flesh and blood. The magnitude of the loss is crushing. How can we do this? How does the scheme of the family go? Who is first born? No one seems to know. My ... View Post
Why Do We Hold Our Burdens Tight?
We celebrate my farmer's birthday. The first without Elijah. It is so hard and feels so wrong. We leave the farm. We head to meet Chelsea, Adam and Lilah. We spend time together in a mall. I watch my farmer. What makes my farmer so depressed? Why won't the medicine take effect? It there something metabolically wrong? Something like electrolytes; a quick fix. We go to the doctors. She looks at us. My farmers blood work is good. His body is doing what it should. She tells us what we already know; but forget. We've been through a lot. Grieving ... View Post
Celebrating the Farmer
It's his birthday. And I don' think there is anyone more happy than I that he is alive. I pray it stays that way. But cancer, depression and the death of a son make you wonder. We remember the good times today. Only the good. We treasure the fun. And as I remember; There really are only good memories. Sometimes we forget when life is hard. It's important to stop and remember. To live in the memories. I Corinthians 13:4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not ... View Post
I Want To Be Present; Right In The Here And Now
They move the drums. They are taking up space they say. The little girls are trying to organize the music room. All that is within me wants to scream. He had set them up. They are the way he had left them. .. that day. The last day he played. The last day he did anything on this earth. The bass drum ring damaged and in need of replacement. We had looked into getting it fixed; that last day he was here. The last day I have felt normal in 8 months. I slowly pull the drum set back out, away from the corner. I fight back tears. I keep my ... View Post
Being In It For The Long Haul
I am in this for the long haul. This journey, called life, is only a shadow of what is waiting. It demands endurance. We have a family moving out to farm alongside us. They are packing all they own and know and hauling it across this beautiful country. They have a long haul in front of them. This is a new culture and climate. Many adjustments. They need to be in this for the long haul. This journey in life. It is not easy. It is riddled with strife, heartache and shattered dreams. There is great beauty, and there is deep pain. Yet there is comfort and hope for the ... View Post
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