5 years,
And now.
6 birthdays.
He would be 23 this year.
I still don’t know what to do on the day.
I still don’t know how to live this life and reconcile the death of my child.
So, I write.
Streams of consciousness.
A desire to wrestle through the ache and the pain.
Elijah Todd Davis.
September 2, 1995- July 28, 2013
You made me a mom.
I marveled at your red hair.
At 9.1 oz, 22 inches you were more baby, than new born.
After the loss of our first baby, you were a healing balm.
My arms were full.
My heart grateful.
I remember those first days.
The change of seasons.
Crisp air trumping the warm.
Brilliant hues of red and gold transforming the landscape.
We strolled through the yard doing chores.
You in your stroller.
And I felt elated.
Young.
Free.
Joyful.
The weight of the world not yet oppressive.
We navigated nights, diapers and feedings.
You teaching me to slow down.
Your fiery temper made you independent.
Your inquisitive nature sparked life and opened doors to the world.
Today, in a moment, the weight of the world can pull me to my knees.
I stagger and reel from the intense pain.
Yet, the gift of memories and treasure of peace permeate the grief.
I rest in the grace God offers.
I try to embrace his plan and path.
There is still much to see and do here, this side of eternity.
If I don’t have the eyes to see I will miss much.
So, I work to see.
Do you take the time to look, to see the hand of God in your life?
When we turn and look back we can see the beauty given.
I often do not see it at first.
Sunrise 7-28-13
It takes time.
It takes a shift of our will in surrender.
The ache and missing are ever present.
They always will.
In our human frailty order has been interrupted and I can never change that.
Sunrise 9-10-18
As I practice the art of seeing, God is showing me deep joy.
A contentment that reaches far beyond my abilities.
He is giving me eyes to see Him in new and beautiful ways.
This song has ministered to my aching heart.
It has grounded me and set my feet on the solid ground.
I challenge you:
Do you take the time to look, to see the hand of God in your life?
No matter the weight, no matter hurt;
I will praise Him still.
