One Month

One month from today.

The pitter-patter of rain on the tin, porch roof greets me.
I walk from our bedroom and stand in the door way.
Soon the coffee pot joins the cadence with its perking.
I breathe in the fresh scent of rain.
Vermont is so beautiful.
We need rain.
Just not too much.

It’s been 5 years since we had too much rain and roads washed out and a whole summer began that washed away so much of my life.

It’s June 28.
I had one month left with my beloved red head, farm boy and I didn’t know it.
One month.
He’d graduated from High School, had the opportunity to go on a trip with another local High School.
One month.

There’s one month until the 5 year Anniversary of his death.
It’s not something I want to celebrate.
Frankly I struggle each year with what to do on the date.
It nauseates me each time I think of it; a pit in my stomach.
A cry from deep within claws it’s way to the surface.
It’s so unfair.
It’s so hard.
I miss him so much.
My life will never be the same.
We’ve put feet on our ache and we’re trying to make good out of bad.
A Memorial Fund. 
A race and an evening on the farm. 

The rain lessens.
A gentle rhythm on the roof.

I wipe my tears.
I take another breath.
The college girl leaves for Uganda tomorrow morning.
She will be gone for one month.
She will not be here for her birthday, or the Anniversary of her brothers death.

Life goes on.
It flees and flitters and I am powerless to stop it.

There was one month left and I didn’t know it.
I don’t remember exactly what happened in that month.
But I am sure of this…
I am sure we lived; like we do each day.
Full, fast and sometimes furiously paced.
There was haying, and friends, and plans being made.
I have no regrets.
I can’t think of anything I’d do differently.

I pour my coffee.
I head to the Ancient Word. 

Words that challenge me, give me hope and center my ever evolving emotions.

God is a God of order and peace.
He reaches deep into that place where the cries begin and He longs to carry the burden.
He beckons me to lay down the ache and the hurt.
He fills my heart with deep peace and unspeakable joy.

Tomorrow I’ll put that college girl on a plane.
She’ll travel miles and miles away from me.
My heart will ache.

Being a mom is not for the faint of heart.
It is about giving away a piece of yourself each and every day.
I want to keep them all here.
I long for the days of baths and story time;
smells of baby powder and lavender lotion.

I have loved being a mom.

Now, I will continue to let go as I trust all that God will do in this college girls life. 

She too is rooted in the One who calls her by name;
Who has written her name on the palm of his hand. 

Isaiah 49:16
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.

One month. 
What would you do if you had One month to live? 
Would you change anything? 
How would you spend those last few days upon this earth?